We survived the Memorial Service. I’m glad I had mentally (and physically) prepared to be pulled to the front in the whole parade-of-families thing because that is exactly what happened at the last possible second. I didn’t even get to grab my purse (which turned out to be a good thing to keep our 4 year old occupied during the one hour service). It is always a strange thing for me to be part of any religious ceremony because I don’t share the religion. I feel like a fake, an imposter. I was my Uncle’s only niece. Being in the front row - mentioned during the service - made me feel even more so.

I managed to not cry. This was really important because all I do is cry these days. And once I start, I can’t stop. And anything can get me started. A movie, a commercial, seeing the old highschool in my home town closed down (it wasn’t even MY highschool)….it doesn’t much matter. Everything makes me tear up and then I can’t stop. So I went to the service with one goal - not to cry. I had it in my head that if I could succeed in finding the inner strength and resolve to do this one thing, I could make it through the rest of this adoption business with my sanity intact. I tried every coping mechanism I could think of - I focused on everything BUT the service. I know now every minute detail of the church alter including the weird etched little heads at the top of the chairs and the odd horseshoe-shapes etched at their feet. I know how many organ tubes (or whatever they are called) are in each section and how many wooden panels are on each area of the wall. Finally I found that if I could just make figure 8’s in my head, I felt instantly calm. Weird, huh? But since I have literally been searching for a coping mechanism for months now, I am relieved to have been forced into the position of finally finding one. Others pray, some smoke or drink, I have figure 8’s!! I almost lost it during the bagpipe rendition of Amazing Grace but I stood strong and made it through. And it was no easy task surrounded by my Dad, stepMom, Uncle and Aunt and my brother - all of whom I love so much - while they sobbed. And it did give me a strange bit of comfort to know that I succeeded!

As suspected, there was drama. A lot of drama. Drama involving the FBI, the police, lots of lawyers, the IRS and more that I’m not even privy to. There was anger, resentment, hostility - both open and under the service. I suspect there will be more drama to come in the next week. I don’t want to post it all here in such a public forum, particularly since my deceased uncle’s wife is still none the wiser but it’s quite a story.

I don’t schmooze so these family-and-friend get-togethers are uncomfortable for me. I did run into some family friends and got to talking. Through an odd twist of fate, their close friends’ daughter is my next door neighbor!! And boy did we get some amazing gossip there! Turns out my neighbors have quite the marital history! haha. If you’ve read my blog long enough to know how I feel about my neighborhood, you will see how humorous this was to me. So see…it wasn’t a totally painful experience to schmooze after all!

And now it’s Thursday. Still no info that we are desperately waiting on from our agency. Not surprised, still disappointed. Even though the info would take them a grand total of about 10 minutes to compile, still we wait (and wait and wait). Tomorrow will be one week since we were told it is a top priority and will be dealt with immediately. Do I sound unhappy? I am.

Is it Friday yet? Or, even better, Saturday? Two more days until June is over!!!! Done! Bring on July.

This entry was posted on Thursday, June 29th, 2006 at 10:52 am and is filed under Taboo Topics, Venting. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.