First of all, although I am frequently not a fan of people who comment anonymously - because it is usually something mean and spiteful - I completely understand your position in this case. Plus also you were nice so thank you

When I wrote my post, I was needing something. I’m not sure what it was - a drink?! Haha. No, I was needing to hear that I wasn’t alone in my thinking, that other APs think and feel this way too. I got that. It felt good. Validating.

But I also needed to hear that my daughter won’t necessarily grow up to be as emotional as I often find myself feeling about her history. I have this miserable, but sometimes useful, habit of putting myself in my children’s shoes and experiencing their pain for them in ways that I often wish I could avoid but seem to come with the job. This is a tough one for me becuase I can’t do that.  I know that there are as many adoption experiences on all three ends of the triad as there are adoptions. There is no way to predict how Addison will interpret her own adoption as she grows. I can’t put myself in her shoes, I can’t necessarily know how she will need to be supported or how she will feel. I don’t want to predispose her to any sort of feeling or reaction that she wasn’t naturally going to have as a part of her history and her personality. Like I said, if she grows to be totally fine with her history, I will be thrilled. I don’t necessarily *hope* for this becuase I don’t really have a hope one way or another in this area. It seems private, her personal journey. I guess you could say I hope she travels this journey in the way she needs to the most, without pressure to feel  or anything she doesn’t naturally feel - good or bad. That is my hope for her.

I wish I could explain the way I feel but to be honest, it is just as alien to me as it is to you. That is the funny thing about feelings….sometimes you read all the books and know what to expect but then these FEELINGS just hit you over the head and there you are, all raw and surprised, trying to figure out where the heck they came from. That’s where I’m at. It is my goal to find a way to make myself feel better, to give back, and to honor that my feelings are what they are and may not look or feel anything like Addison’s, and to honor her’s just as much.  No small feat, I suppose, but it’s my goal none the less.

Thank you for your response. Truly.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 17th, 2007 at 9:22 pm and is filed under Adoption, Taboo Topics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.