Comments on: On Birth Mothers & Birthdays

By: :: Suzanne ::

:: Suzanne :: — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 08:06:51 +0000

Just wanted to let you know that the Adoption BlogPost RoundUp round-up is up!

By: :: Suzanne ::

:: Suzanne :: — Wed, 23 May 2007 23:10:58 +0000

What a thought-provoking post.

Because our children came to us at ages 5 and 6, we were spared the questions of when and how to tell them about their previous lives, as they know much more than we do. They regularly bring up memories and people and talk about it.

By: melody

melody — Wed, 23 May 2007 03:01:08 +0000

There is such a wide and varied spectrum of issues to deal with in the lives of our adopted children, yet in so many ways they are quite similar.

I’m dealing with many issues in telling things to my sons about their abusive infancy, about their birth mothers and none of the truths are pretty. I often wish I didn’t know so much.

I have no specific suggestions, but wanted to offer my heartfelt understanding and support as a biological and adoptive mother. Bless you.

By: Margie

Margie — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 16:25:16 +0000

Hi, I found you on Mrs. Broccoli Guy’s blog, and hope it’s OK to comment.

How about writing exactly what you are feeling to your daughter’s mother? I have done that over the years, in the hope that if either of my children’s mothers come to see their files or search for them, they will know they’ve been in my thoughts.

Finding a way to support women and families in our children’s countries who turn to adoption is also a way to give your feelings voice. That work also builds a connection between your family, your adoption community, and your children’s families that is priceless.

I hope it helps, too, to know that you’re not alone.

By: Melissa

Melissa — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 18:44:06 +0000

This is really something I struggle with. I know that with out a doubt that no matter the “reason” my daughter too was abandonded in the night, that it all boils down to poverty and/or stigma. Having been a teenage mom I understand, and having lived in the US as a teenage mom, I was more accepted here then a girl in my situation in VN would ever be. If that is why my daughter’s birthmom abandonded her, I truly grieve for her. I couldn’t imagine having to give up my now teenage daughter. I know I couldn’t have. Another reason is strickly poverty, and how awful to be so poor that you would have to leave your newborn baby in the night, having chose life, and hoping that your child you’ve carried would at least have a hope of a future. I can’t imagine. We are legally changing our daughter’s birthday. I don’t want to celebrate the day she was left, to me it is a day of mourning for her and her mother. I know that my daughter was three days old when she was abandoned because of her umbelical cord. So, we’ve backed it up to the day she was born, which was my 30th birthday, so we’ll share a birthday now. I’m glad you addressed this. It’s something I too struggle with.

By: Kimmi

Kimmi — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 14:24:03 +0000

I love this post. I love your heart. You have such a good heart.
Why not do something on Mothers Day to celebrate *all* mothers. Not specifically Addison’s birth mother, but mothers of all sorts. As she gets older and wonders things you can say her situation was the catalyst for the ritual. She may- or may not- want to add something unique to honor her birth mother in later years.
Curiosity- nosiness- here… I think of birthdays also as Birth Days and the Motherhood of it. What feels most like Birth Day for you with Addy? Is it her assigned birthday? Referral day? adoption day? some other day? all of them? none of them? What day will you choose to celebrate *you*?

By: Sherri

Sherri — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 03:23:01 +0000

I cannot believe that Addison is almost a year old! But I can’t believe that Grace is nine months old either. I think about her birth mother too. I can’t imagine how hard it was for her to leave my precious baby outside the orphanage. I am constantly thankful to the unknown woman who gave me my wonderful daughter.

By: anon

anon — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 00:50:19 +0000

Please don’t take this the wrong way, and I’m not really prepared to not be anonymous, and I follow and LOVE your blog and your parenting style. But this post I find SO interesting. I’m both adopted and an adoptive parent. The way you feel about this is so unbelievably alien to me, I can’t even imagine it. I can’t imagine what it would take to have this emotion. My parents are my parents and my child is my child. Who is this person I’m supposed to feel connected to, remind me again? I’m connected to the ones who changed my diapers and the one whose diapers I change. Is it possible adoptive parents these days are being duped by social workers and other adoption experts? I really don’t get it…Please don’t take it wrong, I’m a true fan!
-A

By: Christina/Mrs Broccoli Guy

Christina/Mrs Broccoli Guy — Tue, 17 Apr 2007 21:00:50 +0000

I’ve read in a few places that the day before Mother’s Day (that Saturday) has been designated “BirthMother’s Day”… I’ve never done anything for that day but I was thinking maybe this year I’d ask R~ if she wants to draw a picture or write a letter for her birthmom.

She was also abandoned and her birthday is a guesstimate - but I cherish it because it’s the same day as our wedding anniversary - so for us it was like a “red thread” kind of thing. (only, y’know, she’s not Chinese)
I tell R~ her adoption story and I always start, “Once upon a time in Cambodia, a beautiful baby girl was born. She had bright sparkling eyes and the sweetest smile you ever saw. Her birthmother couldn’t take care of her so …” and go from there. So far she hasn’t missed having details like where (exactly) she was born… but then, none of my kids have really wanted those kinds of details.

By: Laura

Laura — Tue, 17 Apr 2007 20:35:03 +0000

I know just what you mean. Our daughter was found on 1/11/05 and the paperwork said “the doctor decided her bday was 10/21/04″ That word decided got to me. Also, the fact that she was thought to be almost 3 months old. That causes so many questions..why did her birthfamily have her so long, what happened, how old is she really?? Like you, when she was a little behind last year I kept thinking..well, she may not be as old as we think.
I do like the idea of helping women in need or an orphanage donation