On Birth Mothers & Birthdays
I’m a mess. A crying, blubbering, sentimental mess. Let me preface this with some brief history for those who don’t know….
Like many orphans in Vietnam, Addison was abandoned in the night. She had no information about her age or history to accompany her. I do know that she had already lost her umbilical cord stump which tells me she was probably at least 10-14 days old, if not older. We just will never know. Her assigned birthday, like most abandoned orphans, was her day of abandonment.
Let me also say that I think of Addison’s birth mother all the time. When we crossed through the airspace over Vietnam, I cried at the thought that my new daughter was somewhere below me, so close. And that her birth Mother was somewhere nearby and that I would never know her, Addy would never know her. I wasn’t really fully ready for how sad I would feel. I’m still not sure I can articulate it and I’m not quite ready to try.
Fast forward to now. Her birthday - the day she was left at the orphanage - is in 11 days. Every day I wake up and look at my daughter and wonder “is today the day you were born, little one?”. I picture the circumstances of her birth, who was there? Was it difficult? Was she tiny? I wonder if she was celebrated. Did she have siblings? I wonder how much longer until she wonders these things. If she turns out to be one of the adoptees who never gives it much thought, that’s cool by me. But if it turns out to be an important part of her story, one that she mourns in various ways throughout life, I have to say that I can understand in my own way. I mourn it too. I mourn it for her and for me - that we don’t know those early days, those first moments.
Every year, on my children’s birthdays, I retell their birth stories and wax nostalgic about those early days. It isn’t even that I’m sad that I was not the one that gave birth to her. To be honest, I have never felt sad about that at all. When a baby is born, I consider it just as much the Mother’s Birth Day as the child’s Birthday. And I don’t know who her Birth Mother is. I don’t know who to thank and celebrate for this gift of life, who to mourn for, who to honor for choosing life, this miracle, this child who has given so much to others and changed so many lives for the better already in her short life. It is just that there is this part of her life - the very FIRST part - that we will never know. Not even the date.
Other years it might be easier, I may not even give it a second thought. This year, though, when the difference between an 11 month old and a 12 month old seems gigantic, I notice. I look at Addison and wonder “are you really one already?” and now the answer seems to be “probably”.
I’ve been thinking that maybe what I need is a way to honor her Mother in my own way on her day of abandonment (the day we will, forevermore, celebrate her birth). I don’t know how Addison will feel about this as she gets older and learns her story. I am not sure she will ever want to incorporate any sort of thankfulness ritual in honor of her mother and if she does, I’m not sure she would chose her birthday on which to do such a thing. I respect that completely and will let that unfold as it will. But I feel the need to do something privately, to give back. It all seems like such a token gesture but I have to do *something*.
Any and all suggestions are welcome.
April 17th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
How about a donation to her orphanage or maybe a women’s center in the town nearby? Donate books on adoption to your local library to help other mothers find children who need homes. I totally get the feelings, even if I don’t know the exact ones - it’s just how it is. *hugs*
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April 17th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
I’d say doing something that supports women in difficult situations might be a positive way to honor her. I’ve thought about this too, a LOT lately. Maybe volunteering at a women’s shelter for the day?
Our son, too, was “abandoned,” although I have begun to doubt the truthfulness of this for the majority of adoptees from VN. I do believe, in our case especially, there is more to the story that we did not get. There is a lot of incentive for everyone from the orphanage directors to local officials to the agencies b/c they all pocket more $ and save time (quickening referral time = younger babies) to claim “abandoned at the gates with no additional info” rather than have to conduct the lengthy and costly investigation required by VN law if the child was actually relinquished at the hospital, etc. I have started to dig, and am going to have to dig further b/c I, like you, am SO saddened by the thought that my son’s beginning has been erased. And the thought that we may never know his first mom if we do not recover information about when his life began.
If you want to talk about it more, feel free to email me!
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April 17th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
This post just made me really emotional. I have these same feelings all of the time. Almost every night when I put Lucy down for bed I think about her birth mother and wonder what she is doing and if she thinks about Lucy much. I wish so badly that I had a way of telling her that she is very loved and that we are forever thankful to her for making the decision that she did, despite it being so difficult. I have found these questions and emotions of not knowing the hardest part of this whole adoption. I am right there with you sister! I still cannot believe that in 11 days Addison will be 1. I think of all of the heartache that both of us went through to get our babies and just think to myself how lucky we are now. The misery was well worth it.
I like the other ideas of doing something to help women in need. I think that we are going to go with the orphanage donation each year for Lucy’s birthday. That way the money is at least going somewhere near her birth mother.
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April 17th, 2007 at 2:35 pm
I know just what you mean. Our daughter was found on 1/11/05 and the paperwork said “the doctor decided her bday was 10/21/04″ That word decided got to me. Also, the fact that she was thought to be almost 3 months old. That causes so many questions..why did her birthfamily have her so long, what happened, how old is she really?? Like you, when she was a little behind last year I kept thinking..well, she may not be as old as we think.
I do like the idea of helping women in need or an orphanage donation
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April 17th, 2007 at 3:00 pm
I’ve read in a few places that the day before Mother’s Day (that Saturday) has been designated “BirthMother’s Day”… I’ve never done anything for that day but I was thinking maybe this year I’d ask R~ if she wants to draw a picture or write a letter for her birthmom.
She was also abandoned and her birthday is a guesstimate - but I cherish it because it’s the same day as our wedding anniversary - so for us it was like a “red thread” kind of thing. (only, y’know, she’s not Chinese)
I tell R~ her adoption story and I always start, “Once upon a time in Cambodia, a beautiful baby girl was born. She had bright sparkling eyes and the sweetest smile you ever saw. Her birthmother couldn’t take care of her so …” and go from there. So far she hasn’t missed having details like where (exactly) she was born… but then, none of my kids have really wanted those kinds of details.
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April 17th, 2007 at 6:50 pm
Please don’t take this the wrong way, and I’m not really prepared to not be anonymous, and I follow and LOVE your blog and your parenting style. But this post I find SO interesting. I’m both adopted and an adoptive parent. The way you feel about this is so unbelievably alien to me, I can’t even imagine it. I can’t imagine what it would take to have this emotion. My parents are my parents and my child is my child. Who is this person I’m supposed to feel connected to, remind me again? I’m connected to the ones who changed my diapers and the one whose diapers I change. Is it possible adoptive parents these days are being duped by social workers and other adoption experts? I really don’t get it…Please don’t take it wrong, I’m a true fan!
-A
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April 17th, 2007 at 9:23 pm
I cannot believe that Addison is almost a year old! But I can’t believe that Grace is nine months old either. I think about her birth mother too. I can’t imagine how hard it was for her to leave my precious baby outside the orphanage. I am constantly thankful to the unknown woman who gave me my wonderful daughter.
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April 18th, 2007 at 8:24 am
I love this post. I love your heart. You have such a good heart.
Why not do something on Mothers Day to celebrate *all* mothers. Not specifically Addison’s birth mother, but mothers of all sorts. As she gets older and wonders things you can say her situation was the catalyst for the ritual. She may- or may not- want to add something unique to honor her birth mother in later years.
Curiosity- nosiness- here… I think of birthdays also as Birth Days and the Motherhood of it. What feels most like Birth Day for you with Addy? Is it her assigned birthday? Referral day? adoption day? some other day? all of them? none of them? What day will you choose to celebrate *you*?
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April 18th, 2007 at 12:44 pm
This is really something I struggle with. I know that with out a doubt that no matter the “reason” my daughter too was abandonded in the night, that it all boils down to poverty and/or stigma. Having been a teenage mom I understand, and having lived in the US as a teenage mom, I was more accepted here then a girl in my situation in VN would ever be. If that is why my daughter’s birthmom abandonded her, I truly grieve for her. I couldn’t imagine having to give up my now teenage daughter. I know I couldn’t have. Another reason is strickly poverty, and how awful to be so poor that you would have to leave your newborn baby in the night, having chose life, and hoping that your child you’ve carried would at least have a hope of a future. I can’t imagine. We are legally changing our daughter’s birthday. I don’t want to celebrate the day she was left, to me it is a day of mourning for her and her mother. I know that my daughter was three days old when she was abandoned because of her umbelical cord. So, we’ve backed it up to the day she was born, which was my 30th birthday, so we’ll share a birthday now. I’m glad you addressed this. It’s something I too struggle with.
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April 20th, 2007 at 10:25 am
Hi, I found you on Mrs. Broccoli Guy’s blog, and hope it’s OK to comment.
How about writing exactly what you are feeling to your daughter’s mother? I have done that over the years, in the hope that if either of my children’s mothers come to see their files or search for them, they will know they’ve been in my thoughts.
Finding a way to support women and families in our children’s countries who turn to adoption is also a way to give your feelings voice. That work also builds a connection between your family, your adoption community, and your children’s families that is priceless.
I hope it helps, too, to know that you’re not alone.
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May 22nd, 2007 at 9:01 pm
There is such a wide and varied spectrum of issues to deal with in the lives of our adopted children, yet in so many ways they are quite similar.
I’m dealing with many issues in telling things to my sons about their abusive infancy, about their birth mothers and none of the truths are pretty. I often wish I didn’t know so much.
I have no specific suggestions, but wanted to offer my heartfelt understanding and support as a biological and adoptive mother. Bless you.
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May 23rd, 2007 at 5:10 pm
What a thought-provoking post.
Because our children came to us at ages 5 and 6, we were spared the questions of when and how to tell them about their previous lives, as they know much more than we do. They regularly bring up memories and people and talk about it.
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June 1st, 2007 at 2:06 am
Just wanted to let you know that the Adoption BlogPost RoundUp round-up is up!
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