Celebrating the Human Pacifier
WARNING: This post contains strong opinions about things - material things in particular - not people. Ok people? So no offended or defensive comments about how much I’ve offended your parenting sensibilities becuase you own a LeapPad or becuase your baby likes the swing. Deal? Deal.
My biological children were all breastfed, on demand. Which meant, more often than not, I was a human pacifier. Likewise, although Addison only nursed for four months and sucks her thumb like an addict, her Daddy and I are still human pacifiers. She is not satisfied to sit idly by and suck her thumb, oh no! She wants to caress our faces, squeeze our fingers and hug our arms and hands. She needs to stay connected. She won’t even feed herself a bottle, so great is her need for the human connection. And *I love it*. Particularly becuase she is a runner (and can’t even run yet!), at home and in public. Once she has her fill of Mommy, she takes off and it’s all about chasing the baby down, redirecting her and generally keeping me on my toes. I cherish every kiss, hug and cuddle she requires of us, I love being her human pacifier.
In this day and age, human pacifier often has negative connotations. The very term implies that a pacifier shouldn’t, in fact, be human normally and that a *human* pacifier is a *special* kind of pacifier, the “normal” kind, of course, being plastic. This is so weird to me. Like you are doing something wrong, giving too much of yourself or otherwise “letting” yourself be taken advantage of or some ridiculous notion by allowing yourself to be used in such a way. In fact I have actually been told exactly this more than once over the years. Crazy.
The market abounds with products to replace us so we no longer have to physically connect with our children: infant car seats that easily transplant into strollers and shopping carts and onto the back of highchairs and onto swing bases so the baby almost literally never has to be picked up; hands-free baby bottles so that neither the baby nor the parent ever has to connect during feeding, even when the baby is too little to hold the bottle herself, pacifiers in every shape, size and style so that the baby’s need to suck can be fed without inconvenience to the mother, sleep “aids” that lull, soothe and distract the baby so the parent doesn’t have to. There are product, like this (incredibly creepy) one, that literally take the place of human touch. Take a walk down the baby toy aisle at any store and you will quickly notice that every toy has the goal of teaching something and that 75% - maybe more - are electronic in nature so they can talk, respond, engage and interact with your child, feeding them as much knowledge as possible, as early as possible, and freeing up the parents from the need to engage. It is true that there are more and more parenting tools that actually serve to bring baby and parent closer together, like the exploding market of infant slings and carriers, contraptions to help encourage safe co-sleeping, etc. But for every new bond-promoting “tool”, there are hundreds of new ‘independence-promoting’ tools being pushed onto parents.
Now don’t get me wrong. MOST of these things have their place. I LOVE my infant seat. Adore it. Addison still uses it and has months left of use out of it even though she’s almost 1. I have long since stopped taking it in and out of the car, it’s now a permanent fixture. But it was a god-send in the winter months, in the rain, when the baby was sleeping, etc. Also, Addison has a few of those electronic toys that she just loves (and a few more that never get touched). They don’t take the place, in our home (as I am sure is the case in most homes) of adult interaction and attention. They also don’t teach much, realistically, despite their claims. They are, really, just fun toys that take lots of batteries. I’m not one of those parents who insists these things are evil and have no place in society, much less my home. They are here, we even enjoy some of them. There is value, I just believe that this stuff is so mass produced and pushed onto parents as necessary, it easily sends the message that babies should be distracted at all costs so we are involved in their care as little as possible and spend as much money to do it as necessary.
And here’s what annoys me the most about this trend to push independence on babies too young to be ready for it through plastic gadgets and material possessions: the message is so contradictory, it’s insulting! The National Institute of Health is clear that their stance is that children should be able to self-soothe and should no longer *need* human touch to get or stay asleep by the end of the first year, yet at the same time their own studies have indicated that when children are exposed to “sleep aids” that include maternal scent, they sleep better. The conclusion of this ridiculous study, in my opinion, should have been that infants sleep better with human contact. Instead the conclusion was that infants can and should self-soothe with the use of human contact substitutes, known as ’sleep aids’. This is crazy to me. Aren’t we missing the forest for the trees here?
So while all these things may have their place and I’m no stranger to many of these products, let’s not forget to celebrate the original, innate power of human contact - the original pacifier. It may not always be convenient but there is no substitute for parents.
April 25th, 2007 at 1:29 pm
AMEN sister. I figure my baby did enough self soothing in the first year of her life..she has a Mama now and I want her to know I am here for her. It bugs me when people say they should just cry themselves to sleep..are you kidding..who wants to do that. I don’t sleep alone..why in the heck do we think the kids should just deal with it. We don’t co-sleep anymore and Annslee loves her bed but if she crawls in bed with us sometimes…good…I love it. Oh, and like you, my girl is a lovey and I will take all I can get. I figure soon enough she will be waving bye without a kiss : (
April 25th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
I so agree. I can’t sleep in the same bed with my kids (need my space when I sleep!) but I love all the warm cuddlies before/after bedtime and naps. I think some people have forgotten how good it feels to just cuddle. Sad.
April 25th, 2007 at 3:36 pm
I agree with you 100%. I take all the snuggles I can get from Lucy because she is not that much of a snuggler. She loves her leap frog, but I would never use it to take my place or keep her busy without me. I think those toys are fine if I am involved as well. She has become really dependent on me lately and totally a momma’s girl and I have people comment all of the time that she is being “spoiled” because I ALWAYS pick her up and love on her if she cries. I want her to know that I will ALWAYS be there for her. I never really know how to defend myself properly because almost everyone these days believes in the self soothe method. Lucy does sing herself to sleep every night - not because I don’t want to rock and cuddle with her, but because it is what she wants to do. I have been lucky the last few nights though and she has fallen asleep with me rocking her. YEAH!
April 25th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
AMEN!
I couldn’t agree more…with all of it! But especially about the creepy looking felt hands. WTF is THAT? Yipes!
Love you and your kiddos are the luckiest in the world…to be loved, touched, and paid attention to…by you
April 25th, 2007 at 4:20 pm
You are one fabulous mama. I love that you “spoil” your children with love and affection and time. It’s what they thrive on. I get the comments all the time about spoiling my daughter or that I’m letting her be in charge (the breastfeeding on demand) or that she’ll never be independent (tell that one to my 3 year old who gets thoroughly frustrated if we don’t let her do everything by herself).
And those hands were super creepy.
April 25th, 2007 at 4:47 pm
My grandma used to say you couldn’t spoil a baby by holding them and loving on them. I asked her once when they were too old to be a baby and she said it differed between children and that I would know. She was right. It is really nice to hear someone else’s take on all this. We needed exersaucers for the twins (I can cook one handed but with two of them something had to give.) We walked into the ever popular mega-baby store and were INUNDATED with all kinds of devices that eat batteries and will teach your kids the ABC’s before they are 12 mo old. Yikes! It’s a society thing that like you we try not to get too involved in…there is nothing in the world that will take the place of human touch. Besides, what on earth could be better than laying on the floor with all my girls for cuddles and giggles.
This all from a mommy that has a king sized bed for a reason and yes all 7 (don’t forget the dog) of us fit!
April 25th, 2007 at 5:00 pm
Hey there, I really appreciate this post. Completely agree with it! I am ALL ABOUT the hugs and soothing…. I did, however, want to give you some insight into those creepy hands. You made me laugh! They DO look weird, but I thought you might enjoy knowing why they were invented.
I am going into NICU nursing…. currently doing my last set of clinicals before graduation on an infant care unit. Something that’s beyond me is how so many nurses don’t hold the babies… I mean, yes, we’re all busy needing to document in between care times, but one of my FAVORITE things to do when I DO have a moment is to pick up these sick babies and hold them on my chest. THEY LOVE IT. I’ve heard nurses say that if we hold the babies too much, they’ll get used to it and won’t sleep well on their own anymore… which WOULD be a problem since we’re caring for 3-4 babies at a time on a strict care schedule. However, I haven’t found this to be true! Know what? I’ve found the exact opposite! Any time there’s a baby who is CLEARLY uncomfortable/not feeling well, I have gone ahead and taken 10-15 minutes to sit down and rock them…. their breathing slows and they typically fall right to sleep. Then, contrary to what lots of people think, when I go to lay them back in their cribs, they sleep soundly! It’s been awesome to witness…. being a human pacifier for these babies truly works. And they don’t seem to be getting “spoiled” as so many people think will happen. They are getting the attention they NEED, just like you said. Sometimes when I hear people say “Oh, they’re just doing that for attention” I think to myself “Well, then give them the attention! Clearly if they’re having to act out to get it, they’re not getting enough in the first place!” Can you tell I have strong opinions about this? Right there with you on this topic!
Anyway, back to the creepy hands. They were actually invented by a mother who had a baby son in the NICU. She noticed while visiting him how much it soothed him to have her human touch, even just her hands resting on him in the incubator…. however whenever she had to leave the hospital, she knew he wouldn’t receive as much of this touch. So she created these weighted hands that could rest on him while she was away. They’re actually VERY cool and wonderful for use in hospital settings where there isn’t enough soothing touch to go around. Just thought you might like to know a little history. Actually a pretty good idea, but could be overused by parents who just don’t want to be inconvenienced by having to take time to actually soothe their kids (as with all these other products you mentioned).
Sorry for the long comment…. I feel like it was a complete ramble. You got me thinking! Love your posts. Thanks for giving your insight.
April 25th, 2007 at 5:25 pm
From one human pacifier to another, ITA! My motto was, and continues to be, you can’t force a flower to bloom before it is ready.
April 25th, 2007 at 5:47 pm
These thoughts also go along with the issue that mothers don’t feel the need to even mother their own children anymore. I love seeing ads on Craigslist for “mother’s helpers” where the families want someone to live in their home, do their dishes, and play with their kids. That’s not called a “mother’s helper”, that’s called a mother. Or the mom’s that work 45-50 hours a week and then drop their kids off at the daycare from 6:30am to 6pm. I feel bad for them.
While those hands look really creepy…they look like they would do wonders for premees!!
April 26th, 2007 at 7:06 am
Excellent post!
April 26th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
Love this post Nicki!
April 26th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
As a mom of twins I think sometimes, so I don’t fall apart, I need the help of these things, including my nanny 2x a week, who without we would not eat as I can’t cook holding a baby or 2. We have practiced attachment parenting and while it has been very successful, it made me physically exhausted to the point where I could only sit and stare at the girls. So, I believe there has to be some give and take when parenting multiples. 1 person can’t meet the needs of 2 tiny babies at all times and it sucks but now my girls actually will wait their turn, pretty cool.
Anyway, I agree, we need to interact as much as we can, I never even had infant seats for my girls, regular old car seats for me, so they are carried pretty much every where.
I just think, with twins you have to be a little more forgiving/relaxed or nothing will ever get done and moms will be constantly beating themselves up.
April 27th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
Sing it!
We started this road of attachment parenting way back when Jake was born, not even realizing it had a name. It just felt right. On #7, well, I can’t imagine doing it any other way.
June 11th, 2007 at 3:24 pm
[...] things with voices so that we end up having to do less interacting and less teaching. Nicki had a GREAT post on this topic. That said, I do think there’s something [...]
June 12th, 2007 at 9:17 am
Found your post through Pho for Four. GREAT, GREAT, GREAT! While my baby is not home yet (we are in the massive pipeline I call the China Wait, uugh!) I have watched much of my family parent children and lets just say you can see a huge difference between the one’s who occupy their precious ones with things and the ones who interact with their children. Personally, I am not going through this scrutiny and wait to hand my child over to gadgets for convenience, I want to be with her. Just BE WITH her.
June 14th, 2007 at 9:00 am
I’ve also come across you through Pho, and will be adding you to my read list!
Great post. My boy is 20 months, and I do NOT want to totally give up his morning/nighttime cups of milk, because I still give them to him like a bottle - all snuggly and cuddly! Who cares if we’re still doing it when he’s 5? At least I still get my mama time.
LOVE the pic w/ Ad. leaning backwards on the adult’s leg! That’s such a classic toddler pose… So sweet how they stick to us like that!