When Addison came home from Vietnam with us, her Daddy was working from home, I was working from home. We were both available to her 24/7. It was GREAT for attachment.

Like many adopted babies, she bonded to Tony first. I didn’t give it much thought. I enjoyed that she had a great relationship with her Daddy after having 3 boys who were stuck to me like glue for the first 5 years of their lives. Balance was Good.

But then Tony got laid off, we moved and he started a new job. Along the way, there were days when he had to go into the office, days when he had to go out of town entirely (job interviews, job orientations, court dates, etc). This I did not anticipate when I thought about how great it was that it was Tony who gave the bottles and got the baby to sleep, for once!

The first time he left, it was a full 36 hours before she noticed. When she noticed, it was like a light switched. She became clingy, whiny, insecure and her schedule went to hell. The next time he went out of town, it was more like 24 hours before she noticed. Then, it was around bedtime that she noticed. She doesn’t seem to mind if he is going for the day, but expects him home for dinner and bed.

Last week Tony went out of town for 3 days and by dinnertime, she noticed. And by noticed I mean ‘clung to me like a freaked out baby monkey looking for her surrogate’. It was horrible. She was so conflicted. She wanted to play but didn’t want to let go of my arm to do it. This meant much whining and crying and thrashing about. Setting her down was out of the question. Getting anything done like, say, laundry. Or dishes. Or meals. Also out of the question. When we drive in the car, she insists on holding my arm (which OUCH!!! My arm does not bend this way for long periods of time!!!) while I drive. This is so uncharacteristic of my little ordinarily independent little bunny. Also, usually a slave to her schedule, she refused to go to bed and when she finally slept, it was only for 6 or 7 hours total. Thank goodness for naps.

Her response to Daddy’s return is also generally predictable. She gets excited but then buries into me, unwilling to let go. She eventually goes to him, stops whining, stops clinging like a baby monkey and resumes her normal sleep routine. Usually within an hour of his return.

So what gives? Is this just normal 1 year old behavior? Or is it related to a fear of abandonment? I just keep thinking that a baby that little can’t tell time, she doesn’t get “daddy is coming back” and she has lost a LOT in her life already. It is not outside the realm of appropriate for her to freak out when someone vanishes, right? But on the other hand, I don’t want to jump to conclusions or worry more than the situation entails. I was never in this situation before with my 3 boys. Tony worked from home all of Noah’s life and my older boys never had their primary attachment to their Father. So I have nothing to compare it to. Because the travel is not predictable in frequency or length, it isn’t even a routine she can get used to.

Either way it sucks and it is HARD on all of us. I feel horrible for her but also get frustrated and feel like I can’t get anything done. I hope this is something that she outgrows as she is more able to understand time and explanation.

This entry was posted on Saturday, May 12th, 2007 at 12:08 pm and is filed under Adoption, Parenting. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.