Did you think I would never speak out?
I’ve thought a lot about the issues currently hitting the Vietnam adoption scene right now. I’ve shared my opinion on lists, I defended our decision to post the Embassy statement over at VVAI that ultimately led to the official statement on the Embassy site. I don’t think it’s a mystery how I feel.
Many others with blogs have covered the tough topic very well from just about all angles imaginable. I’m glad to see a Dad speaking out. Laurie wrote an amazing post about it yesterday. Kelly, sweet quiet Kelly, voiced her opinion as well. This adult adoptees viewpoint was one of the most informative and educational I’ve read. I’ve read the blogs of families who are involved in some current investigations & NOIDs. I’ve read the opinions of people who use these agencies and are defending their choices and their agencies. I’ve read the blogs of people who have listened, who have really heard, and who are making steps toward more ethical adoptions. I’ve talked. I’ve listened. I’ve spent more hours than I have each day online dealing with this stuff. I don’t think there is a lot left to say at this point that hasn’t already been said. Sometimes I just like for this blog to be my safe haven from the rest.
But there are a few things I keep reading that are really bugging me. I want to touch on those things.
1) Why do people let their agency decision define them? Why do people who have chosen an agency that I might consider unethical feel that this is a personal attack against them, as people? Why do people who are waiting and have not even completed an adoption, ever, feel they are qualified or led to defend their agency as if they are defending their husband? Why don’t people realize that an agency is just a business. It is not a friend. It is not a lover. It is not Who You Are. If someone does not consider your agency ethical, they have not Become The Enemy. As soon as you make the agency your ally, your trusted friend who you will defend until the bitter end, you have taken your objectivity away and your ability to rationally reflect on your own experiences or those of others around you.
2) NOIDs are not given out lightly. They are not common. They are not given without serious investigation and reason. Many families have been lucky and been passed up when honestly they should have at very least been investigated. I have talked to these families who openly admit that their cases were questionable, even to them. The Embassy admits in its recent statement that just becuase a family is home with a baby does not make their adoption ethical. Families get through the cracks. When a family does not, you can bet it is for good cause. It is not a set up, it is not a targeted attack against an agency. Sometimes the government can not disclose all of the details of their investigation but that does not make them guilty of wrong-doing.
3) Paperwork being filled out properly does not make an adoption ethical. It means the paperwork was filled out properly. A child can be abducted and paperwork can be(and has been) falsified and still be 100% correctly filed. That does not make the adoption legal or ethical. There are many reasons I can think of that an investigation would be warranted that have nothing to do with the paperwork submitted.
4) The children are the victims. Period. The levels of pain and trauma these children have endured is something I can not fathom. The levels of pain and trauma these children will continue to experience, no matter what the outcome, is unfathomable. This is a tragedy for them. They are the victims. Not the agencies, despite what they are desperate for their clients to believe. Not the parents, whose needs MUST come secondary to that of the child, although they are in immense pain that most of us will hopefully never have to experience. Not the facilitators whose pockets are padded while they sleep just fine at night. Not the orphanage staff who turn a blind eye as babies are ushered in and out of orphanages in the dark of the night without a paper trail because money speaks more loudly than morality.
5) If we agree that the children are the victims here and that the tragedy is profound then lets trace that tragedy back and see who it is we can turn to for accountability. Who knew the history of these children? Who has a relationship with the child finders? What kind of paperwork is kept by the orphanage and by the agency? Who was responsible for compiling the child’s dossier and filing it with the IAD? Who was responsible to look over all relative paperwork and check it against other paperwork coming out of the same orphanage for inconsistencies, concerning similarities and errors or omissions? Who was responsible for making sure the orphanage was doing it’s job as was outlined in the licensing agreement between orphanage and agency? I can tell you who was definitely positively NOT responsible for any one of these important steps: The US Government. So let’s stop the age-old government blame game and start supporting the Embassy and CIS toward the goal of rooting out corruption in the name of the tiny victims.
6) Ignorance is enough to garner sympathy, it is true. Not all of us are Internet-savvy AND adoption savvy enough to even think of logging online for the sole purpose of investigating ethics within any given agency and any given country program. I do have sympathy for those whose trusting nature is taken advantage of. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about ways to be in touch with parents at an early enough stage that they have not even signed on with an agency yet. I don’t know if this is even possible. I think homestudy social workers could play a big part in things if they were to compile a packet of information and online resources to assist in choosing an ethical agency. But as long as “homestudy providers” have “partnerships” where they only refer families to one agency of the 42 (usually agencies who are not ethical, hence their willingness to engage in such partnerships in the first place), this is not going to happen either. So how do we remove ignorance from the equation? How do we empower parents early on in the process?
7) Is there a place for parental accountability? What if a parent (such as all of those PAPs who have not yet adopted but who are vocally and adamantly speaking out in comments on blogs and on email lists such as AAR in support of their agency during investigations and NOIDs) knows exactly what the situation looks like but still presses on with questionable agencies? Are those parties to blame as well? Because they employ the agencies and, especially in the face of investigations, their lack of action sends a message to the agency of tolerance for corruption. By cheering them on, they are essentially say “We’ll support you and believe in you no matter what. We will turn on our own government before we turn on you.” See my point number 1!!
8 ) But doesn’t everyone want an ethical adoption? I’ve been accused of suggesting otherwise. I do not have any doubt that every single parent wants an ethical adoption. My question, though, is what importance does a parent place on an ethical adoption in comparison to other aspects of their adoption. Is an ethical adoption more or less important than a fast adoption? Is an ethical adoption more important than an adoption that supports gender selection? Is an ethical adoption more important than an adoption of a child under 6 months old? I don’t deny a parent’s prerogative to place value and importance on these areas that adoptions in Vietnam currently allow a parent to chose. However these things MUST come secondary to a desire for an ethical adoption.
9) I have been accused of not practicing what I preach. However nothing could be further from the truth. Even back before a single agency held a license in 2005 I began researching agencies. I spent countless hours asking questions, reading resources online that discussed what to ask an agency and looking for feedback on APV and a few other online resources. There was little info to go by and what I found out pretty quickly was that, due to the shutdown, mostly the only people who remained to give advice were the agency cheerleaders. Those who had questionable experiences had, by and large, moved on during the shutdown. I chose an agency (ADOPPT) based on nothing but the rave reviews I got. When, after having signed with this agency, I realized they were fraught with corruption – I left. It was not easy. I felt like I was playing with fate. But I left even though I was looking at receiving a referral within a week and traveling very quickly. This time I chose an agency with a facilitator (GT Le) who had a long standing history of adoptions in Vietnam that lacked corruption. This was very important to me. I wouldn’t recommend my agency, I would not use them again. But I don’t doubt GT Le’s commitment to ethics in adoption. I would love to adopt again. I would love a sister for Addison. However if ethics in the current climate dictate that requesting a baby girl would be unwise, I’d have to weigh my desire for a baby girl with my desire to adopt a child. If ethics in the current climate dictate that an ethical adoption means I wait for 2 or more years, then that is a small price to pay for an ethical adoption. If at the end of the day I can not meet my family’s needs without sacrifices ethics, I will not adopt. Period. At this point, I will be thrilled if the program stays open long enough for me to make these choices.
My sincerest hope is that the new I600 changes will have such a heavy impact on referrals and travel times that it will purge out questionable agencies and their facilitators will find some other way to make their fortune than brokering babies.
I find all of this stuff to be exhausting but the good conversation, the families who are rethinking their choices, the families who are reevaluating their adoption experiences with new eyes – they give me hope.
November 8th, 2007 at 1:34 am
Amen, amen and amen!! GREAT post. Thanks for saying all the stuff I’m thinking but can’t seem to find 5 minutes to write myself – and you said it (and linked it!) better than I could. Thanks for keeping this a priority, even when it gets hard and even though it would be a lot easier just to move on and enjoy your family.
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November 8th, 2007 at 2:18 am
[...] books… and now I don’t have to do the post that was running through my head because Nicki just said everything I was thinking! So, just go read that and while you’re at it click on [...]
November 8th, 2007 at 6:57 am
Very nicely stated and laid out!
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November 8th, 2007 at 8:23 am
Excellent points on all accounts! I am happy that so many people are worried about this and have come forward to voice their opinions.
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November 8th, 2007 at 8:34 am
Great post and great points!
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November 8th, 2007 at 9:02 am
Thank you for so clearly saying what so many of us are thinking! There are lots of us out here who agree with you, who have walked away from unethical or at least questionable agencies, and are praying we don’t pay for those decisions by never having children.
btw, I think you emailed me recently asking me my agency, but I don’t have your email to write back. It’s LSS of Minnesota.
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November 8th, 2007 at 9:11 am
Great great post! Write a book!!! I’m serious!
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November 8th, 2007 at 11:07 am
Thank you for the link! What a wonderful posts and I think that it states each point wonderfully! Thank you for speaking out as well!
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November 8th, 2007 at 11:31 am
Something that I think is intricate to all of this (especially for #s 7 & 8 ) is the “human factor”. I don’t mean for it to be an excuse but it is there none the less. People are just human. They are not perfect. There is a thousand different reasons why people are led to adopt and the emotions that the journey brings can and does make people behave and respond in ways they most likely wouldn’t under other normal circumstances. Some people are already at the end of their emotional rope when they start their adoption process. It would be great if they could see the process ahead of them with the clear eyes of someone who has BTDT but I don’t think that is possible. It’s a learning process. And you have to take each step, one at a time, in order to gain the wisdom to finally see through those clearer glasses.
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November 8th, 2007 at 11:32 am
I especially agree with point #8. I think that every AP agrees *in principle* with ethical adoptions. The problem is, they want a baby girl as young as possible and they want to travel in 2 months and spend the least amount of money possible, so they first narrow down the agencies that can deliver that, then try to determine which one is “ethical”. The reality is that no ethical agency can deliver such a thing, so those parents are starting out behind the proverbial 8-ball, then fight vehemently to defend their choice and prove that *their* agency is not corrupt- they’re just THAT good (right!). What parents need to do is FIRST narrow down the agencies to the ones that are ethical and do the right thing, THEN try to fnd the one that best meets their needs. That may mean compromising some of their wishes. That actually plays into Point #6- that prospective, new AP’s need some way to get this information BEFORE committing to an agency, and parents should also understand that their agency partnership is not eternal. You can switch if you become uncomfortable with the ethics of the agency you are working with.
Great post Nicki!
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November 8th, 2007 at 11:40 am
Oh! And the means does NOT justify the ends. Going in knowing, or even suspecting that your agency is corrupt or unethical, but rationalizing that your god led you there for a reason, or that you are going to provide some eternal salvation for your adoptive child which they could not possibly find in their “heathen” homeland is the very definition of a CROCK of shit. Never mind that your god should not put you in a position of compromising your own morals and ethics. Call a spade a spade and just admit that you are selfish and don’t care how you get your baby. Don’t blame it on your god.
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November 8th, 2007 at 11:43 am
I can not believe I was gone all day yesterday and there was this big boom in the Vietnam adoption community. The response to all that has been going on is phenomenal. As always, you did a fabulous job and this is extremely well said!! I’m off to spend half the day reading all of the links you posted.
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November 8th, 2007 at 11:47 am
Good point JennyB! And can I just say thank you for being the voice of reason? Thank you.
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November 8th, 2007 at 11:53 am
Nicki,
I love all of your points, but I myself have wondered about #1 for a long, long time. We chose a bad agency for our first adoption (Korea) but didn’t realize it was more than just bad “customer service” until the very, very end. I would never defend them. They are not a part of me and they certainly weren’t a friend. They are just a bad choice (unfortunately there aren’t many choices in Korean adoption).
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November 8th, 2007 at 12:05 pm
This is such a great post. I find myself almost at a loss as to what to say about this whole situation. Your question about parental responsibility really caught my attention as I recently stumbled onto a blog of a family who just accepted a Thai Nguyen referral from WC…knowing all about the investigations and NOIDS. At what point is it OK to look at a family, throw your hands up and think these people will get no sympathy from me if all goes to hell from this point forward?
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November 8th, 2007 at 1:08 pm
Bravo! (Well, technically, that should be Brava!) Well said as usual, Nicki.
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November 8th, 2007 at 1:20 pm
Thank you for an awesome post. I wrote my letter to the Embassy yesterday and received a thank you from them this morning. I hope the new changes will prevent families from being in the situation these families are in now. The thing that bugs me is the agencies in question were already under scrutiny when these families signed on..and now they act surprised and outraged???
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November 8th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
Wonderful post! You always put things so eloquently.
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November 8th, 2007 at 2:02 pm
Amen sister! Thanks for the comprehensive summary with all the links. The whole thing is so right on, and I just want to add something about point #8. Sure, everyone wants an ethical adoption, in theory. But are people willing to actually ACT on what needs to be done to ensure an ethical adoption? Nope. Many just want to scream “don’t you think we want an ethical adoption for our baby?!” meanwhile choosing an agency that can deliver the end, then use it to justify the means.
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November 8th, 2007 at 3:46 pm
Nicki, great post! And lots to think about.
One day we want to adopt. And you are right, I’ve already began researching everything concerning adoption even if in reality we probably wouldn’t be able to adopt for years because of how expensive it seems to be. But catching potential adopters EARLY would help. You asked what could you do? I don’t know specifically… and since I am internet-savvy, I probably am not much help. At least I know how to dig for information as well as am connected with multitude of parenting groups to ask for IRL experiences. But what about those without the resources or the know-how? Where are they do they go for honest and unbiased info? Frankly, even in my early stages of research, I find the information to be overwhelming.
As far as ethical adoptions… I think there may be many who want an ethical adoption. But I’m sure there are some who are distraught at not being able to have kids themselves or perhaps recently went through a tragedy of their own, that they in the end don’t care HOW they get a baby as long as they do. Or maybe a better way of saying it is, they don’t want to know how the child comes to them. Because if they knew, then they’d have to face their conscience and wait longer for a child to adopt. Ignorance is bliss… even if little onces get hurt in the process. :-/
Education is key. Advocacy for the children is key. Making the truth known and available for your average parents is even more important. Showing the harsh reality of unethical adoptions. A visual documentary would be awesome… Make the faces of victimized children REAL to people. Maybe, just maybe then, the level of unethical adoptions will go down.
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November 8th, 2007 at 4:22 pm
[...] Now no one is saying who their signed with. And it drives me crazy. Like Nicki discusses in her point #1, “Why do people let their agency decision define them?” After all, you’re not [...]
November 8th, 2007 at 5:36 pm
This is awesome. You have such an amazing way of clearly stating everything you are thinking and backing it up with solid information. You are such a great source of knowledge for people. Thanks for all the support, btw.
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November 8th, 2007 at 11:33 pm
I truly believe all this has to be said- but I am getting to the point where I am wondering what we do about it all- you know what I mean?
I am very weary of the mudslinging and personal attacks(you are a strong women Laurie and Kelly).
I really really hope that somehow we can turn this ship around.
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November 11th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
Holy crappola. Hallujah! I have been researching on how prospective adoptive parents can verify and research adoption agencies. Oh my gosh, you really give me hope that maybe just maybe we can change things.
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November 11th, 2007 at 12:17 pm
We need to write state legislators telling them we want changes. That is the only way.
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November 13th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
[...] http://www.steppingonlegos.com/2007/11/08/did-you-think-i-would-never-speak-out/ (Stepping on Legos) [...]
January 9th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Hi, are you putting a list together of I-600 dates received and approved? Our agency sent our I-600 to Hanoi today. Do you have an e-mail address I can contact you at when we get updated info?
Thanks,
Shere’
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