Look Back & Ahead
I know its important to be positive and generally hindsight softens things somewhat but 2007 sucked my ass, ok? Let’s look at how I started the New Year last year:
If all goes as planned, I will have an incredibly boring, undramatic and completely uncomment-worthy 2007. But I’ll try to make it sound very fun and exciting, I promise!
My hope for 2007 is that it isn’t rough. That’s all. Things like losing weight, getting in shape, keeping my house cleaner and getting my finances in shape are all my ordinary everyday goals already. Being a better Mother tops my list of priorities and that was just as important yesterday as it is today.
So my goal is that when I sit down to write this entry on January 1, 2008 that it be filled with joy and happiness over a peaceful and unnoteworthy 2007 and much excitement and positive energy toward 2008. That doesn’t seem too lofty, does it?
Talk about falling depressingly short of this very minimal goal! So let’s recap:
In January Tony lost his long-time job, thank you Michigan Suckass Economy. February we barely survived, financially. March Tony accepted a new job in Texas (after having lived in Michigan ALL my life) and we moved, without Tony’s three kids from his previous marriage who we had former custody of, thank you Michigan Suckass Child Custody Laws. Tony was immediately shipped off to another state for a MONTH while I was left on my own with a house full of the most horribly packed boxes EVER (honestly what were the packers thinking when they divided our utensils into three separate boxes, loosely but wrapped a single PENCIL in packing paper?!?!), a needy grieving baby, a child who turned 5 without his Daddy there for the first time in his life and no kitchen, no utilities set up, nada. This also resulted in me losing my job, which was probably inevitable with the move but the total chaos of how it all happened did not help. I literally still haven’t recovered. Sometimes I just burst into tears thinking about this time known as The Dark Days.
We spent the rest of 2007 trying to catch up financially and failing miserably, unbeknownst to me, while the goal of a future adoption grew further and further in the distance (also making it more and more unlikely the longer we wait). I’ve struggled all year with balancing my own goals with parenting and homeschooling, feeling mostly like a failure. I’ve fought all year to become even a semblance of the wife and mother I want to be, and failed. I’ve worked with more failure than success to become the kind of writer I wish to be. Then we ended 2007 almost as stressfully as when it started when Tony’s job suddenly took him out of our home and back into the office for the first time in like 5 years right during the week before Christmas, when I had SO much planned. This is a huge adjustment for all of us, one we weren’t particularly looking forward to - most of all Addison.
When I look back on 2007 I mostly think of drama, stress, huge life changes we weren’t really ready for and disappointment. Sad.
And then there’s this bit from last year:
If you could make one holiday wish, this year, what would it be? Sadly my holiday wishes are usually the same every year. Let’s just say it involves never having a repeat of the past year. That may sound strange since I don’t blog a lot about the very personal areas of my life and this past year brought my Addy-Mai. I am definitely grateful for a lot this year but being grateful is different than being happy. This year also brought more heartbreak and pain and turmoil and chaos and did I mention heartbreak? than one person ought to endure in a year. It brought cancer and lies and betrayal. I would not wish this past year on anyone. So my wish is that, Addison aside, my next year is better. I know that is selfish. I should wish for peace, no more war, no more hunger, etc. But right now I feel selfish. So there ya go. Maybe that’s why my wish rarely comes true?! haha. So if I have to have another heartbreaking year, then my wish is that I have it in Houston
So there ya go! I got my wish! I had another crappy year but at least I had it in Houston!!! Be careful what you wish for, right?
But 2007 wasn’t all awful. If I’m to be honest, I have a lot to be thankful for. Aside from the Houston-related thankfulness (being near my best friend, the weather, my own pool, the weather, the nice people, the weather, a doctor I love, a homeschool group I love, the weather), this year wasn’t a total loss.
Thanks to the amazing Chris, we launched and successfully grew our advocacy website, Voices for Vietnam Adoption Integrity which I am extremely proud of. Although the controversy that occasionally came from articles on the site was sometimes difficult for me to handle, far more good has come from the site than not. I am very proud of it and exceedingly thankful to Chris. I’m also very proud of my Full Disclosure Project and how it’s doing, all things considered. So even though I’m not raking in the big bucks (We refuse to do any google adsense which means that VVAI is a losing financial proposition since there are costs associated with maintaining the site), it is a labor of love and something that makes me feel like I’m making a difference at the end of the day.
Despite our really rough year, financially, I’ve managed to whip our shit into shape over the last 6 weeks and we are finally making really serious progress toward the green. We managed to do Christmas entirely with cash, too. I’ve made more progress in one month than we made in the previous 15 months combined. All it takes is a really good working budget and a plan. I’ve got the skillz, baby!
On a parenting and homeschooling note, both my boys completed an entire book of math already. We managed not to hate each other and I think I only threatened public school a few times! Noah went from not recognizing a single letter of the alphabet to learning to read some simple books, knowing all the letter sounds, shapes and being able to write them too. We managed to stay active all fall, keep up with extra curriculars and homeschool co-op. The kids kept up with their chores and their bedtimes. They stayed healthy and grew like weeds.
We added a new dog, two new cats and two new guinea pigs to our family. I love our little animal menagerie. I finally got a wedding ring this year which means more to me than I sometimes like to admit. And I grew my photography skills from “what’s an aperture?” to, well, knowing what an aperture is! haha. What’s more measurable is my eye - I can see things that never occurred to me before. I love that since I’ve never considered myself terribly artistic.
And most of all, we lived to see the other side of all the crappy stuff. That, alone, is a lot to be grateful for.
December 31st, 2007 at 9:28 pm
Happy New Year! Sounds like an incredibly hard and rewarding year. I hope 2008 brings you HAPPINESS not just gratefulness.
[Reply]
January 1st, 2008 at 12:48 am
Nicki, to say you fail as a wife and mother is just silly! You are one of those moms that I look to for advice. I know if I had any question about raising a child, I could email you and would hear back within an hour or so with a heart felt, honest answer. Really, I know this year has been hard, but you have rocked it. Most of us would have cracked under the pressure, and you held it together beautifully. You have some amazing children and your love and support of them is so apparent. Congrats on being done with such a difficult year. Love ya! I truly hope that 2008 is the best year yet.
[Reply]
January 1st, 2008 at 12:51 am
First of all - VVAI is YOUR baby and all the credit for it goes to YOU!
Seriously, I am just honored to be a part of it, and thankful for fellow parents like you who care even after your own kid is home!
And secondly, you are very good at keeping a positive attitude because I had no idea all this tough stuff was going on behind the scenes! I’m sorry you had another difficult year, but it really does sound like things are looking up, so yay for that! And here’s to hoping that 2008 is your best year yet!!
[Reply]
January 1st, 2008 at 8:40 am
2006 was rough. 2007, despite the odds, was worse. It was as if the forces of nature conspired to put our lives and our 2006 in perspective by saying “look- it could have been even *WORSE*”, and then your husband and partner did little to cushion the blow or minimize the damage.
You are, and always have been, a better wife and mother than you give yourself credit for. I realize that you have expectations of yourself and goals to strive for that you fell short of, and that it is disappointing to not achieve what you set out for. But, keeping things in perspective, your “bad” years are better than most wives and mothers’ best years. Your dedication, devotion, and selflessness are unrivaled. Your thoughts and plans revolve almost entirely around what we want and how to make our lives better.
You are also more successful and more artistic than you give yourself credit for. Every project you start- you excel at…until you don’t. If anything, I would say that you sometimes lack focus- wanting to do all of the projects at once, or shifting gears to project #2 before project #1 is complete, but you have the intelligence and vision to accomplish anything. With something you are passionate about- like adoption integrity- there is nothing that could hold you back. I am not surprised in the least that VVAI is as successful as it is, and I believe that you will continue to be the best advocate for adoption integrity and receive the support and credit you deserve.
Your creative vision and ability (with the exception of drawing squirrels
) is also far greater than you give yourself credit for. Most people, myself included most of the time, just take pictures. You arrange and create pictures. Trust me, I know. I am the one you are so often frustrated at for helping too much, or not helping, or disrupting your vision in some way, shape or form. The fact that you even had an idea of what you wanted enough to feel that it was disrupted puts you in another class from average picture-takers. Now that you have proper, professional tools- from the camera to the software, there is no limit to what you can do. If that adoption integrity advocate “thing” doesn’t pan out, you can always become a professional photographer. 
I don’t tell you enough, but I am very proud of all you do. I don’t say it enough, but I love you more than anything and I am lucky to have you by my side. They may not express it enough, and may not even yet fully comprehend it, but the children are grateful that they have a mother like you who is dedicated to their happiness and well-being above all else. When they look back, they will be thankful for the memories you created, and the tremendous gifts you have provided them throughout their childhood. We are all thankful for all you do.
That being said, I have confidence that 2008 will be a great year. Not because I think that it will be roses and sunshine and everything will go our way- I am sure there will be hiccups and hardships to go with the successes and rewards. I have confidence that 2008 will be great because we will make it so. Plus- the weather here is great!
I love you
[Reply]
January 2nd, 2008 at 9:51 am
Ok so I was going to leave a great comment, and then Tony left the most ridiculously wonderfully supportive amazing comment, telling you the truth of it all, and so all I can say is amen.
[Reply]
January 2nd, 2008 at 11:50 am
I agree with Jena; can’t really follow that except to say that if this isn’t the kind of writer you wish to be, I can’t imagine what is — you’re a fabulous writer!
[Reply]