Wanna have dinner at my place?
Do you think I only post about the positive here on my blog? I have nothing bad to say about my kids, no stress, no problems? Well here’s a little story that might change that impression (since of course the reality couldn’t be further from the truth!)….
I can count the number of times I’ve shopped with kids-in-tow on one hand, at least in the last several years. I avoid it like the plague. The begging, the climbing out of the cart, the fits, the germs. I am not a fan. I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to dash off pretty easily at any given time when Tony worked from home. Now that he’s back in the office, though, my good fortune has ended.
Yesterday we needed groceries. And when I say need, I mean cupboards bare, refrigerator empty saving for random condiments. Need. If I didn’t go, I feared the kids may beg the neighbors for food! So I bundled up my baby and headed off to the store to get the job done. How hard could it be, right? In fact, I get to park in the special “shopping with kids” spots at the front of the store! BONUS!
I’m super smart so I decided to stop by Starbucks on the way to grab a drink for Addy & I to share. Bribery to stay in the cart. It totally worked. It also totally filled her up with Venti Iced Tea Lemonade with Classic Sweetener. That’s about when I realized my grave error in judgment. A girl full of liquids is a girl who must pee!
I tried several times to take Addy to the potty but apparently she has a grave fear of the HEB bathrooms and even though she SAID she had to go potty, she would not budge. Automatic Flushers, demon spawn from hell! I weighed my options and decided to just rush through the rest of my list and try to Beat the Pee. And we did really good! Addy stayed in the cart, we even had fun!
And then, as I rounded the corner to get the last two items on my list she announced she had to pee. As in “I’m peeing right now”. Gotta love that toddler notification system!
Shit.
I lifted her up and it seemed like only a little pee - enough to dampen her pants but not so much as to make a puddle under our cart or on her seat. So I thought I’d just discretely grab my last to items and get the heck out of dodge so we could go home and change clothes. Whew - crisis averted.
Fast forward to an hour later. After I came home, changed the baby, put her down for a nap and unloaded groceries I noticed a peculiar (now empty of groceries) bag sitting on the counter with a HUGE puddle of pee in it!!!!!!!!!! Seriously. Apparently the pee-that-never-puddled did indeed puddle. It ran back on the slightly-reclined cart seat into my extremely full shopping cart and pooled in the produce bags where it was then rang up and transferred into a shopping bag and brought back home.
I may never shop again.
So this begs to ask:
1) Did they charge me extra when they weighed my produce because of the pee-weight?
2) Did the cashier and/or bagger happen to notice that my cabbage was drenched in urine?
3) Why did I think my biggest problem at checkout was the half-open box of pasta I made them return for a new properly-sealed version?!
From now I’ve learned my lesson. ONLY stop for Starbucks on the way HOME!
January 15th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Haha! I love parents could NEVER make this stuff up, but that it really happens and I like it even more when they share because then when it happens to me I will not feel so bad!
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January 15th, 2008 at 10:24 am
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is the funniest story I have heard in a long time!
I HATE shopping with kids! I love my kids but I dont have to like shopping with them. Avery and I just came from HEB. The trip took 1.5 hours when I could have had it done in 20 min!
PeeCabbage! I wonder what the caloric content of pee is…..
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January 15th, 2008 at 10:32 am
OMG I am dying here. That is freakin hilarious. FWIW I try myhardest not to shop with the kids either. All the begging for junk food and extra food and the i have to pee because they want to see the bathroom which is on the other side of the store from where i am. i love having bella in K now, i shop while they are all in school:)
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January 15th, 2008 at 10:46 am
Oh my gosh! My first thought was your #1 question — did they charge you extra for the pee weight? LOL! I hate shopping with kids, but I’m okay if I only have to take one or two. Today I fear I will be forced to take all four. Blah.
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January 15th, 2008 at 10:55 am
I meant to ask about the cryptic directive on your way out the door when I was making dinner: “if you use any produce, make sure you wash it really good”…now I know.
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January 15th, 2008 at 11:15 am
I was laughing really hard b-4 I read Tony’s comment, now the snort has commenced…
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January 15th, 2008 at 11:27 am
I’m with Jena… laughing so hard that I actually snorted. That’s not something I do often. I’m also at work so I’m trying to be quiet about it. Too, too funny.
I’ve always despised grocery shopping, but now I realize it wasn’t bad at all before I became a mother. Petunia’s usually pretty good — as long as I’m feeding her something the ENTIRE time we’re in the store. Oh well, at least we haven’t had cabbage in the sauce du jour! Yuck, yuck, and double yuck!!!
Thanks for passing on your life’s lessons to us.
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January 15th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Ha Ha Ha! Oh my, that is such a fabulous story. And Tony’s comment made me about fall out of my chair I was laughing so hard! I also avoid getting groceries with my kids. HATE IT.
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January 15th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Funny — and I’m sure that you WERE charged extra for the pee-weight — let’s just hope it was mostly in the relatively cheap-per-pound cabbage and not the more costly asparagus or whatever.
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January 15th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
oh. my. gosh. That definitely wins the grossest-shopping-story of the week award!!! I almost never get to the store without one kid, but I try really hard never to take all 4 - that is just a nightmare.
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January 15th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
bwhahaha… I hate shopping for those very reasons, too. A simple 30 minute grocery store trip with my 3 kids is a guaranteed 2 HOUR trip. UGH! Forget it! LOL
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January 15th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
HAHAHA!! That takes the cake!
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January 15th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Oh my gosh…this is so funny, but only because it didn’t happen to me! I can I just say that whoever the genius was who invented automatic flush toilets, there should be a separate ring in Hell for them…something involving screaming children who just cannot hold it any longer.
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January 15th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
HA! I can’t believe that never happened to me!
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January 15th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
That is pretty funny!!! Oy, and it had to be on the produce bag didn’t it!
I can’t barely take the girls shopping now. They freak out if we can’t find a parking spot fast enough, freak if they don’t get a balloon, get to see the “cow” at whole food, don’t get a box of animal crackers at target…yeah it isn’t fun shopping with toddlers!
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January 15th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
We once completely covered the floor by the HEB seafood section in a Mega Pee. It was totally awesome.
I bet the cashier didn’t notice. In this town? Please. Depending on the store, they were probably texting while working.
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January 15th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
LOL! So funny! Thanks for the laugh. I am truly sorry about your pee-soaked produce, though. If the cashier DID happen to notice, what do you suppose (s)he was thinking? “I had some lady come through my line today who bought pee. PEE! I didn’t even know we sold pee here…” LOL. Kids are such a joy.
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January 16th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Too funny! At least it was pee (as opposed to the alternative), right?!
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January 16th, 2008 at 10:13 am
This is so hilarious! Just a tip for the automatic toilets: Put post-it notes in your purse and stick one over the sensor before your tot sits down. It took a few times to show my little one that it really wasn’t going to flush, but it eventually did the trick.
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January 17th, 2008 at 6:13 am
OMG that is so FUNNY! Can’t you just see Tony picking out the cabbage for tonight’s dinner? The cashier wiping her hands thinking what WAS that? That was the heaviest stinkiest cabbage ever! ROFL!
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January 17th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
oh my Nicki, that’s too funny! Thanks for sharing!
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