Remnants: Part 1
We are rapidly approaching 18 months post-orphanage, Addy’s assigned “birthday” month. I have a lot of new thoughts, observations and realizations to share this month about bonding, attachment, nurture vs nature, adoption and more. In order to make it even remotely readable, I’ll split it up into a few separate posts.
Yesterday Addison had her first dental visit. It was intended to be a “quick peek” to make sure her teeth are coming in well and there are no obvious decay issues so imagine my surprise when Tony called (because if you do not know why it was Tony who took the kids to the dentist yesterday and not me then you really don’t know me at all!!) to tell me that she had x-rays, a cleaning, the full gamut*. Tony was so proud when he told me how amazing she did. He went on to tell me the hygienist said that they had never had such a young patient do so well and asked when she would be three - except she’s not even 2. And the dentist later corrected the hygienist to remind her that they did have one other patient who did so well at that age and, ironically (or not) it was another little Asian adoptee.
This is one of the remnants I still see from life in an orphanage.
For weeks after we first met Addison, she did not cry at all; not when she was hungry or wet or in pain. She was active and happy, she was not a zombie. But she was not ever outwardly unhappy. It was disturbing. When she finally learned to demand what she needed, she would do so but never with a lot of determination. I imagined if we had not lept to meet her needs, she would have given up very quickly. I see signs of this frequently. She will work to solve a problem on her own for hours with quiet singular determination. If she is wet, she will take off her wet clothes. If she has an accident on the floor, she will get a rag and clean it up. I know this must be part nurture and part nature. While some parents may live to hear those words “I love you”, I lived to hear the words “Help me, mama”.
Back when we first came home from
After reading other blogs about children of similar age, like Lucy and Jack, I realized that when I took Addy to get her first haircut, she just sat and watched stoically. Same with those Santa pictures, a visit to the Easter bunny.
Last week we were at gymnastics and I met a woman who has been part of the national & Olympic gymnastics circuit who pointed out that
She is a tough cookie. I can count on one hand the number of times she has hurt so badly that she has cried for more than an instant. I’ve written before about her disdain for her own tears. We have always made a big deal out of kissing her hurts and showing her that we, her parents, are a source of comfort when she gets hurt. Still, even now, she is just as likely to pick up her own knee and kiss it with her own sweet lips to “make it all better” as she is to come to us for those same kisses. It has been hard fought but she does have her own limits and will finally gratefully let us pass her around for comfort if she is sad or seriously hurt.
Yesterday’s dental appointment made me really think. These parts of Addison’s personality are not predominantly who you see when you meet my baby girl. She is happy, smart, athletic, energetic, funny, silly, empathetic, reasonable, curious, imaginative, loving and so many other things. Isolating these instances and stories highlights just one small part - one remnant - of who she used to be but I want to say that I don’t often hyper-focus or lament this part of her but I do notice it and when I notice it, it does make me sad. It seems so weird to say it but I really do want my tiny girl to kick and scream and be offended at the invasion into her space. She’s not old enough to really understand what is happening to her and yet she just sits there and takes it. I hope she will learn to realize her power and her voice and use it well to defend herself when needed. We have time and I have full faith that she will find that voice
Is this nurture or nature? That seems to be the age-old question. It is also something I happen to be doing quite a bit of reading about lately. I’ll save that blog post for another day but suffice it to say I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that both nature and nurture are equally important and likely both at play here.
* no cavities!
April 8th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
You know, I struggle at times trying to figure out whether certain aspects of Lucy’s personality are from her past or simply because that is who she is as a person. It is a constant battle for me trying to figure it out. But recently, I have truly tried to come to peace with it and just let her be who she is. She is probably never going to be comfortable with people in her personal space (she even likes her space with us at times) and she is probably going to always be shy and super reserved around strangers. That is just who she is. And as much as I want her to let people in a little quicker than she does (it literally takes months of seeing someone on a regular basis before she trusts them enough to be truly comfortable around them), I have to let her be herself and not force anything on her. She is perfect the way she is. And the only reason I want her to open up a little quicker is because I want everyone to see how amazing she is when she is comfortable in a situation. Anyway, I am rambling. Thanks for sharing and I can’t wait for the other posts. You always make me think. You have one amazing girl. She may simply be that laid back. I wish I could be more like her. I know you worry, but Nicki, she is clearly so well adjusted and such a caring little person. You should be so proud (and I know you are)!
As a side note, I just showed Lucy the last picture of Addison on this post and asked her who it was and she pointed to herself and said ME like she does with her own pictures.
April 8th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
Kelly - that last pic is a Lucy lookalike for sure. Thanks for the kind words. There is wisdom in letting them be who they are meant to be - I hope that I can lead Addison down that road, whatever it is.
April 8th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
Nicki- I happened upon your blog through other blogs (4 degrees of separation in this instance!). Addison is beautiful and I really enjoyed reading this post. I am learning more and more about adoption since my best friend is waiting to adopt- she has finished the homestudy, etc. so this is very interesting to me. Also, I have a daughter- 8 months old- so reading your blog and others helps me prepare for what is next as she grows!
Also- I love the bluebonnets- i am from Texas and miss them!
April 8th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Thanks for the great post. I really look forward to reading your future posts about attachment and bonding.
April 8th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Like Chandra, I look forward to your next posts in this “series” (and like the prior poster, I LOVE the field of flower photos). Thanks for writing for us all.
April 8th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
One more thing I meant to mention, her hair looks so light in the blue bonnet pictures. I have got to get Lucy out to the blue bonnets before they are gone.
April 9th, 2008 at 12:08 am
Thank so much for this post. I think often about the nature vs. nurture thing and wonder (and we only have four months of nurture under our belts). When we first met Mattix, he had no pain response. He hit his head so hard one day in the hotel in VN that he had a horrible, giant bump that turned black and blue immediately. My husband and I stared at each other in dismay. He was sort of shocked for a second. Then he just got up and kept going like it didn’t happen. Another time he fell off the bed and it knocked the wind out of him. When he caught his breath, he stood up and moved on. (I’m starting to sound like a really negligent parent, huh?) When he “cried,” which he only really did when we tried to hold him or during his sleep, there were NO tears at all. When we took him to see Santa right after we came home, he didn’t react at all.
He has actually changed so much and I’m afraid we have a little drama king on our hands, but anyway, it’s all very interesting to me. I don’t obsess about it all, but I wonder what it would be like for him if he had all of his needs met from the day he was born, not from the day he was ten months old.
Sorry. I’m rambling. Addy looks great in the blue bonnet pic. Thank you for writing this post.
April 9th, 2008 at 9:57 am
I used to obsess about post PI issues. How are they, if they are ingrained in my children. In particular Cammie.
Now at almost 17 months post adoption, seriously 17 months?, I am fairly certain that the subtleties I constantly was concerned about are just them. We struggled through the normal issues, struggled through the twin issues and the post adoption issues with the opposite end as you. Screamers. Miserable children who hated us. And drama queens to no end.
Now we have happy, healthy, friendly, outgoing and loving girls that rely on us for everything. Yet, they are independent about certain things, they both like to clean their own mess as well, funny how that is.
I do get sad though, when my girls panic or get tired or freak out, I think of those horrific days at the beginning when I wasn’t sure we would make it.
Wonderful pictures and wonderful new about teeth!
Anyway, I
April 9th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Nicki, Thank you so much for this honest post! I wonder, too, how much of Coop’s personality is his and how much is from the orphanage. I know we are still VERY new to this but hey…you become a parent the moment you set eyes on them, right?
April 9th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Nikki, to be honest, I’ve thought Addy must be MUCH older than her birth date indicates for some time. She is WAY ahead in so many things. I know that was not the true essence of your post but I just had to mention it. I love to see how Addy’s doing since she’s close in age to our guys but really she’s SO FAR ahead of them in SO many ways. As for her personality, I personally believe it’s much more nature than nurture. I see it in myself. I see it in others in my biological family and my husband and in-laws. Your chemistry comes from your genes and your chemistry determines SO MUCH of who you are. I know that experiences shape you too but really, it’s probably more of her genetic make up that makes her the way she is, especially at this point, since she’s been with you so long now. She’s just a tough cookie. Lucky girl if you ask me!
April 9th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
love this post Nicki! yay for no cavities!
April 9th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
Erin - you’ve touched on something I’ll be addressing in another one of these remnant posts! Stay tuned!
April 10th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Nicki,
Hi, I am a long time lurker that is coming out of lurkdom to respond to your wonderful post. But first I want to tell you how adorable Addy is. I believe that she may be from the same orphanage as my youngest daughter, Ella. I lived in Dallas and Houston for about 7 years and miss the bluebonnets.
I have adopted 3 little girls and all at different ages and circumstances at adoption. My older 2 daughters are both from China and my baby is from Vietnam. They are all so very different and react to different situations in their own ways. My oldest daughter was adopted at 10 months, but had been in foster care for much of the time that she was in China. Believe me when I say that she knew very well how to demand attention and get what she want from the get go. She expected to have her cries responded to and would only cry louder if it took me a moment or 2 to get to her. Additionally, in hindsight, she also attached to me quite easily, although I worried about that for the first year or so. She is my most shy and reserved child.
My middle daughter was adopted at almost 17 months and was in the orphanage the entire time she was in China. Although that orphanage did put many of its children into foster care, at the time Olivia came into the orphanage there were not enough foster families for all of the children. So the orphanage kept her because she appeared to be an easy child. This statement broke my heart when I heard it as all I could imagine was that she never cried and therefore got no attention. When I got Olivia she was completely shutdown and expressionless. I now understand that she was likely terrified of the commotion going on around her. She slowly came to life after a couple of days, but never cried about anything. It finally dawned on me about 2 months after we got home that she then was coming to me to kiss boo boos away and that if she fell down she would cry. She also was very independent and wanted to do things for herself. She is still that way at almost 5 years old and I just believe that it is who she is by nature. Today she is one outgoing, charming and confident child.
My baby was about 4.5 months at adoption and by far was the easiest one to bring into the family. My friends that have adopted Chinese children have all commented that her attachment to me and her sisters and to others that she knows well is different than what we all experienced with our children adopted from China. It is hard to describe the difference, but it is almost as if she was in our family from the beginning. I also wonder how big of am impact having 2 older sisters that look just like her has made on this. Since I am a single mom, there are more Asian faces in our family than not. We also seem to have lots of other Asian children here at our house all of the time. It could just be her nature, but I really don’t know.
I will also tell you, that all of my daughters screamed and kicked and fought when they had to have their blood drawn for the blood tests when we came home. Addy is one tough little girl if she did not even whimper and this must be part of her nature.
April 10th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
this post brought tears to my eyes. I’m not adopted, but I pretty much raised my self and reacted in many of the ways that you have described. The strengths she has will serve her well in so many ways, but she is so very lucky to have a loving family to kiss away the pain and offer help any time that she needs it….and to allow her to just be a kid.
April 10th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Thanks Nicki for this honest post. I have SO much to learn. Thank you for (yet again) giving me something to think about. Can’t wait to read the upcoming posts!
April 10th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
First of all, love the photos of Addy. She’s so beautiful — as are all of your children. Second, I’m totally with you on the whole dentist issue. I know EXACTLY how you feel. And lastly, I guess I didn’t expect to read this about Addison. In so many ways Petunia seems to be following in Addy’s footsteps, and each post you write about her gives me a little glimpse of what I can expect in a few months from my kiddo. It was odd to finally read a post that allowed me no opportunity to find similarities between our daughters. The nature vs. nurture is something that’s also in the back of my mind constantly. I agree with you that both are likely at play here, as well as in most situations. Thanks for posting this — can’t wait to read the rest of your thoughts.
April 10th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
Nicki, you hit on such an interesting topic that so many of us seem to wonder about. I truly believe those early life experiences do so much to shape personality, but I also know there are certain aspects to our kids’ personalities that are hardwired. I think there’s something inherent in each of our kids that makes them handle institutionalization differently. Some kids withdraw and become more guarded, and that embeds in their personality. Other kids become charismatic and charming in order to garner more attention from caregivers, and perhaps they carry that trait along with them after. Some kids respond to orphanage life by toughening and developing early independence, others by melting down easily and maintaining a clinginess. I have seen my own siblings deal with abuse and adversity in such a range of ways, and I believe they are who they are because of a combination of nature and nurture.
Thanks for a fascinating topic and an honest post. Addy is so damn cute, and I’ve never seen anything like that picture of her in her sunglasses with dental instruments in her mouth! She’s the picture of “coolness.”
April 10th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
Nicki,
I am so glad I decided to read your blog tonight. When we first got Lilly from foster care I would tell everyone what a happy baby she was. She could play for hours and never demand a thing. Now though I realise that it is a product of her past neglect. She is just starting to be demanding with us and I am so thankful she feels she can do that.
April 12th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
I often find myself wondering about nature vs. nature. From the big things like attachment, to the small things…like how Ava doesn’t like chocolate - that is definitely NOT an environment thing.
Sera has a little of a “focused and fearless” personality, too. If told to do something, she does it immediately and without question. I have no doubt it is from the living in the orphanage, as the nannies ran a very tight ship. Slowly, but surely she has started loosening up and her true personality is starting to shine through.
I suppose none of us will ever really know the extent to which nature and nurture affect our children. All we can do is our best and then watch them unfold.
Oh, and YAY for no cavities!
April 12th, 2008 at 11:54 pm
What a big girl sitting up in her sunglasses. I just love all those pics in the bluebonnets. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I always look forward to your posts. Can’t wait to hear the next.
April 13th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
I love those pictures and thanks for the very thoughtful post!
April 13th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
I’m just so proud that you could even post pictures of Addy IN the dental chair! haha!!!
This was a great post!
April 15th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Hi I just found your blog through Jacks blog. We adopted twins from Vietnam at 5 mos, who are now 18 mos. Your daughter sounds exactly like one of our twins. When we first picked her up she was very different than her sister. Never cried, rarely smiled and wouldn’t make eye contact. It just amazes me how similar she seems to your daughter. We took them to see Santa Claus, Chloe freaked out and Taylor just sat there and looked at him. I worry about her all the time, I feel like because she was considered an “easy baby” at the orphanage she didn’t get held for the first 5 mos. How old was your daughter when you picked her up? And by the way she is absolutely beautiful!