To my knees
I wish I knew a more poetic language than English because I don’t exaggerate when I say there are no words to properly express how heavy my heart is today. This morning some very bad news about adoptions in Vietnam hit the US Embassy website, this following a pretty accurate and disturbing article that hit the AP wire and made top news yesterday. If you are at all invested in Vietnam Adoptions (ie you are my family, you are considering adoption, you have adopted from Vietnam, etc) please please take the time to read this entire summary. It is long, I know. But almost none of it is news to me. You will have an inside view into the information I have carried in my heart for the last two years, you will understand what drives me to advocate for ethics in adoption and you will understand why I will do whatever it takes to gather the information necessary, by any means, to investigate Addison’s birth history.
So why did I respond so emotionally? I dunno. I have been personally criticized, my family has been attacked (verbally), I have come under attack, I have heard stories that would burn your ears and I have never ever felt as awful as I do today. First of all, no matter how many times you hear awful stories of corruption, it never gets easier. But mostly when it is “officialized” in history on a government website, it becomes a permanent part of my child’s story. I can’t just work for change, hope it changes and tell her that corruption was only a blip on the radar. Corruption is now responsible for bringing down the Vietnam adoption program TWICE and from all estimates, things are much much worse now than they were the last time. But it also isn’t just about my adoption. There is more, I just can’t really put my finger on it. I feel like lighting a candle and holding a vigil.
I spent the day sleeping, eating and crying. My emotions are totally uncontrollable right now. My kids ask me what’s wrong and what the hell am I supposed to tell my not-yet-2-year-old daughter? I don’t even know. There are no words to convey to my concerned friends. There are no words to convey to my husband. There is just profound sadness today. I know I share these emotions with my adoption friends who have all written their own blog entries and emails today. I know I’m not alone with this grief. But every time I read the pain of close friends who are adopting or who have adopted and now question the legitimacy of their adoptions I just fall apart all over again. So right now that means every few minutes.
On the other side of this sadness awaits action. Usually I get there really fast - like instantly. Today, not so much. But I’m shifting, I can feel it. A good night’s sleep should push me over the edge. I already feel a renewed determination to research Addison’s birth history. I feel a renewed determination to advocate for adoption reform and a new passion for humanitarian aid in Vietnam. I’ll put this sorrow to good use and for every one of you affected by this news in some way, I implore you to do the same. Don’t let this be the end of the good fight. There are literally millions of babies who need advocates.
April 25th, 2008 at 11:09 pm
The article certainly contains some very very disturbing information. Although I am devastated that we will not be able to adopt a child from Vietnam, I am at least grateful that we didn’t end up with an unethical agency who quickly completed an adoption for us. If that had happened, we would be like so many families now, left wondering whether our child was a true orphan or asking ourselves what we are supposed to tell her when she is older about how she came to be.
Now my heart aches for those left in the orphanages that are REAL oprhans, I hope they find homes. It’s not right that they suffer due to the greed of adults.
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April 26th, 2008 at 6:58 am
I think your post describes my feelings very well. I’m having a little trouble wrapping my head around it all right now.
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April 26th, 2008 at 7:52 am
Thanks for all you do Nicki. This is a horrific situation. My heart hurts for so many people and children around the world.
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April 26th, 2008 at 8:13 am
As always I think you said it all better than I can. Even though I’m not affected in the same way a lot of other families are, I’m sad for everyone touched by this program. I gave my little D some extra hugs and kisses yesterday, shed some tears, and I guess will mourn the fact I apparently really never will have “my little man from vietnam.” Though as you said there weren’t necessarily any surprises in the report by the DoS, to see it there in black and white, in such detailed abundance, made me feel quite sick. And to see the problems were absolutely from top to bottom, wholly throughout every layer of the process, I think that’s when the tears started. I’m so thankful that people like you pushed through the attacks and criticisms to keep people informed and shed light on the issues - I know you made a difference for a lot of people.
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April 26th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Nicki, I haven’t read the article and don’t know much about adoption. What I do know I have learned from you. I know your heart is truly in what you do and my thoughts are with you and know that I am hugging you right now. Miss you.
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April 26th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Thanks for all you do Nicki. I am emotionally exhausted, desparately want to be a mom, but am starting to feel the call to action as well….
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April 26th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Nicki, I share your sadness today. Our hopes of having a second child have been dashed. I don’t know what we will do now, if anything. When we chose Vietnam (switching from China) we were aware that there were some issues and some bad players. We tried to follow the advice of those like yourself. We painstakingly researched agencies, asked all the tough questions, checked them out on the web, looked for all the red flags and chose one that we felt (and still feel) was ethical. Despite the problems, I was encouraged by all those who were working to make the system better and more transparent. I am still unsure of exactly how corrupt the system was, but certainly there were things going on that no country, agency or PAP should tolerate. I know that you have been unjustly attacked for trying to expose and actively fight the corruption in the system. There are those who preferred to not ask questions, so that they could fulfill their dreams. They felt safer if no one made waves until they were safely home with their children. Those individuals were very short-sighted and failed to realize that such attitudes serve no one. Bad things do happen when good people say nothing. What is most frustrating to me is that I know that there were good ethical agencies, APs and others that were working hard to solve the problems and could have been successful if only given the chance and support by both governments. Nicki, thank you for all you have done. I think we are finished pursuing international adoption, but I hope that one day the system will indeed serve to find homes for children who truly need them and those that seek to subvert that system for profit will be precluded from doing so.
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April 26th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
I think you wrote beautifully what we all are thinking. We have waited 18 months for a referral and really thought even if they shut down on 9/1 we would still be allowed to proceed. Now I don’t know what we will do. I am sad for us, for the children mainly and for all the families in VN.
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April 26th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Get me on board the action train, lady. The only way I know how to deal with this is to say/know that I did everything I could do to change the situation and to make a difference in international adoptions.
I know exactly what you mean, and have cried random tears countless times over the past couple of days.
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April 26th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
I agree Nicki. This week has been bitter-sweet for me in some ways. We are preparing to bring our son home from Vietnam, but are doing so in the midst of an absolute mess. I am confident that both of our sons’s adoptions are/were ethical, but even with our reputable agency, I can never say that I am 100% sure, can I? It makes me angry that others have taken away that ability to say for absolutely sure. It also breaks my heart for the children who have been affected and for the children who are genuine orphans who may be losing out on any chance of finding a family to call their own. No one wins in a situation like this.
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April 26th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
I hate that this has happened. However, I am thankful for you and your push for ethical adoptions. You will lead and hopefully others will follow the hard work that’s ahead. Things must change. The children in Vietnam must not be forgotten.
Yes, right now it’s difficult to get over the shock. It really feels like a death.
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April 26th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
You couldn’t have said it any better, Nicki. I hate this so much. My heart hurts. I’m so much more determined now than ever to advocate for ethical adoptions. Sign me up…tell me how to help. I can’t think straight. I’m sort of in shock, even though I shouldn’t be b/c not much is a surprise. All in one place, though…hard to swallow.
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April 27th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
thanks, for saying what I have not been able to find the words to say. Despite our recent foray into foster care, I thought our Vietnam adoption was simply going to be on hold for awhile (after all, we were waiting to be told to get our dossier together to send and when we did get word to get it together, we thought we were only going on hold for a few months while we sorted out what to do about our foster kids)….when we received a phone call from our agency the day after the news hit the AP and the day of the Embassy posting and they did not leave a message, my stomach did flip flops. R called our agency back and, to summarize, they wanted to know what we wanted to do- switch programs or write a letter to the main office requesting a partial refund.
Devastating. Not only personally (we have spent what, two years, saving, planning, doing the paperchase, waiting waiting and more waiting?) as our dream of adopting a child from Vietnam is shattered, but in a more global sense- as once again human greed and corruption tramples on the lives and futures of the worlds most vulnerable citizens- children.
The question that haunts me grows even more demanding of my attention: Is it possible to have an ethical adoption?
We may very well never have a family. But I will allways care about these issues and advocate as best I can for ethical adoption reform. Count me in your corner, my friend
{on a side note, I know I owe you an email. can you write me at angelsunday@msn.com so I can write you back? that is if you still had questions about foster care)
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April 28th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
I am so sorry Nicki. I read an article today on it and immediately thought of you. I pray this is only temporary for the adoption world.
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