The Dream
I seriously considered not posting this because it is really private and also it may just make me look totally unstable and lunatic fringe. I’m going to do it anyway, so judge if you must.
I’m a prolific dreamer but I’ve never in my life had a dream that reflects my thoughts, fears (except extremely abstract), life issues, etc. There is no daily relevancy to my dreams is what I’m trying to say. So while this dream may not be at all weird or out of the ordinary for anyone else, while other people frequently have dreams that are relevant to their current concerns or stresses, this particular dream was VERY weird for me.
Last night, all night, I dreamt of Addison’s first mother. She visited me in my dreams like some people get visits from God or dead relatives. It was esoteric enough that I know it was not a premonition. The dream was present day. But I literally felt like Addison’s first mother gripped hold of me and would not let me go for 8 hours straight. I’m not even sure she was done but I forced myself to get out of bed and face the day even though I felt exhausted and like I hadn’t slept at all. I woke up MANY times, tried to clear my head, went back to sleep and the she returned (another thing that has never happened, even when I wish it would!!). Every detail of the dream is so vivid that it may as well have really occurred. This, too, is unusual for me. Sometimes I remember one small portion of a dream very very vividly but never 8 full hours of dream sequence.
So this is going to sound really really lame but what she came to tell me was that Addison’s real birthday is April 15. In my dream I felt considerably surprised. I looked down at her and tried to wrap my head around the fact that she is only 13 days older than her given birthday and not weeks or months more as I had really felt in my heart of hearts. Then I felt guilty for having doubted her abilities or her gifts. And then I felt relieved, for her more than myself, that I finally knew. She told me that Addison had an older sister, also adopted out. Whether it was something she said or just my impression, I came away believing that her sister was significantly older - maybe 10 years old. She told me that she had been misled about the adoption but not in any of the ways I always feared. She said that she had agreed to give her child up for adoption because she could not care for her but only with the agreement (in writing) that the baby would be adopted out within 6 weeks. She was angry and sad to learn that it took 6 months for Addison to come into our lives. She had not realized that international adoption would be involved. There was more - huge time lapses where we sat in silence, where she went off to lay in the hammock and think about what she had learned from me and what the reality of the situation was, so many tears between us that I woke up with a headache. In my dream I felt almost desperate to hold onto her and keep her in our lives, like if I blinked she might disappear and I might have lost my chance to ask her everything I had always wanted to ask her and for her to ask everything she had always wanted to ask and for her to really be present in Addison’s life, even for a moment. I was terrified that this might be it and I might screw it up and forget to ask the important things.
Ok so there you have it. I woke up, went about our day celebrating Addison’s birthday as planned. But I just could not shake this dream, but not in the usual way dreams tend to disturb me. I couldn’t shake it only because it really felt very much like I had been contacted and it freaked me out. I know, crazy right? I don’t believe in that stuff, really. I am, in general, EXTREMELY skeptical of paranormal or psychic *anything*. And remember, I’m an atheist. So people or entities coming to visit me or bring me messages in my sleep is something I consider crazy talk. But I’m telling you, this was not a normal dream. This was not a reflection of stuff on my mind (because I ALWAYS have stuff on my mind, in case you couldn’t tell, and this in particular has been on my mind for 2 years straight and yet this - the day Addison’s mother left her at her orphanage - is the day I had this bizarre 8 hour long endless couldn’t shake it dream.
So maybe a dream. Maybe not just a dream.
April 28th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
oh wow, that must have been so intense. I think it’s good you wrote about it so you’ll remember it in the years to come - you could even share it with Addy and let her draw her own conclusions about it.
I’ve had similar dream experiences - where I saw someone I haven’t seen in years and the encounter was SO real I had a hard time believing it was a dream the next day. And just last night I had this dream where I was taling with my (now deceased) grandma and then I was crying so hard I ached when I woke up.
My guess is you had the dream because of all that is going on now coupled with Addy’s birthday… but who knows? Maybe this was God’s way of helping Addy’s two moms communicate? (sorry, you know I’m so not an atheist!)
April 29th, 2008 at 3:50 am
I totally believe in this kind of dream, don’t feel weird for having posted it - it’s awesome. I truly believe we can reach one another in dreams.
I’m blessed with very vivid (and often prophetic - I actually dreamed about Pho for Four’s little girl a few days before she arrived) dreams, and am usually able to ‘carry on’ with a dream if I wake up and fall asleep again. So to hear about something like this is quite normal for me - and something to be savoured.
So my oppinion - NOT just a dream.
April 29th, 2008 at 4:32 am
wow Nicki, that must have been intense! For what it’s worth I beleive it all happened. I believe things like this do happen. I beleive this was a gift to you, peace of mind, on Addy’s birthday, on her first mother’s situation, on all of it. Take it for what it is and be at peace with it.
April 29th, 2008 at 7:00 am
Well, you know I’m not an atheist either. This dream is not crazy at all. It could have been born of all you have had on your mind lately, but I also believe it really could have been some kind of contact. Whether from God or the birth mother (is she still alive?) I don’t know. So, I know this makes me crazy in your book, but I also have had many, many dreams over the years that have been informative — what many would call prophetic. Actually, if it weren’t for my dreams and the fact that my husband has seen the things I dream about actually come to pass, he wouldn’t have agreed when I told him we needed to adopt two boys.
April 29th, 2008 at 10:15 am
That is incredible and intense. I do happen to believe in these types of dreams. When I was little we were moving every 3 years or so and I would dream of the place that we were going to live next before my dad’s job ever told us where we were going.
I hope that this helps you find peace.
April 29th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Once again with a *not an atheist* commenter…..
I also believe in prophetic dreams, from God……
I hope and pray it gives you peace, and helps you in being Addy’s second mom…
April 29th, 2008 at 10:48 am
hmmm…remind me never to talk to you about my “crazy talk” again! And you know I so not an atheist, but maybe a little strange Christian! haha!
With all that’s been in your subconscious as well as conscious between VN adoption, Addison’s bday, and first mothers ~ it’s no wonder you had such a dream. But I think these things are good. You won’t soon forget your emotion.
April 29th, 2008 at 11:08 am
To all my wonderful, insightful Christian, Mormon, etc friends - I do not think you are crazy! Haha. I only meant that *I* feel crazy. Those who know me well know that I value each and every faith and each and every difference in faith and belief system, even crazy people like rainbowmom! I tease. Seriously my husband reminded me this morning that I really do believe we all have an energy that connects us. So call it a message from God, call it a psychic link, something happened, of that I am sure. So call this skeptic a believer. Because you know, skeptic does not mean non-believer, it just means questioning believer, right?
April 29th, 2008 at 11:54 am
I believe in these kinds of dreams as well. I don’t really have dreams like this, so I can only imagine the intensity of it. I really think Addison’s mom was talking to you and trying to ease some of your worry.
April 29th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Sounds like an incredible, intense dream. I do believe in these dreams and hope Addison’s first mom is trying to bring you some peace about the situation.
April 29th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
First time here to your blog, but I’ve had dreams like this before too.
These things happen for a reason.
I’m so glad you were able to journal it here for references in the future.
April 29th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Wow that’s an intense dream. It’s good you wrote all about it in your blog so you won’t forget it!
April 29th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
I believe in that stuff b/c I’ve had some pretty insane dreams that were more like premonitions. And I was skeptical until it had happened to me a few times. So I’d say more than a dream. And a pretty intense situation, huh? I hope it brings you comfort.
April 29th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Have you thought of it this way. Think about all the info that exists on twins. Like how they can have the same dream, read each other’s thoughts, ect.. even when they are raised separately. Maybe you and Addison’s birth mother were so intuned with each other at the same time, that she really did leave you with information that you so desparately wanted to know. Think of how strong two mother’s love is. Can it be just as strong as a twin’s connection. Could this be possible? Maybe.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
What an amazing dream! Whatever may have happened to bring this dream to you, I believe it happened for a reason. It sounds like it brought you so much information you were seeking and I hope you have found comfort in that. Thank you for sharing it with all of us! Also, were you able to remember what Addy’s birth mother looked like? I’m sure she would love to know some day!
April 30th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
What a beautiful dream! I have dreams like that some times and I love them! What a beautiful way to preserve this for Addy!
May 1st, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Oh wow, how powerful and amazing! I have vivid dreams sometimes, but nothing that ever actually makes sense. My opinion (as a free thinking agnostic
) would be whether or not this was some sort of “divine” meeting between Addy’s two mothers, it is certainly something for you to hold on to. I’m so glad you wrote it all down so you will never forget.
May 3rd, 2008 at 8:23 am
I’m a believer. What an awesome experience for you to have. Somehow you two made a connection. I have had very intense dreams and/or even feelings while awake about things that are going to happen that really do happen but never one where I made a connection with a specific person. This is very cool. Even if you never really know if it was truly a connection with Addy’s birthmom, the dream still comforts so either way it’s a win-win situation. Like I said though, I do believe you two connected.
~Michelle