Crazy Stage Parents
I’ve been lucky in 13 years of kid activities not to really run into any stage parent types. I’m sure this is partly to do with my own philosophy that extracurricular activities should be fun and my children’s natural inclination to avoid seriously competitive sports and activities. But now I feel pretty lucky. Recently that all changed and would you be surprised to learn that it was one of *Addison’s* activities?
Addison loves gymnastics, in case you haven’t picked up on that. Loves. Like it is her big driving force passion in life. Every.single.day she talks about her gymnastics class. Every.single.day she looks forward to it and talks about her coach and says “Its FUN!” spontaneously all the time. Every class she runs out squealing like she just had the most fun experience of her LIFE! We have even considered adding in ANOTHER class during the week because she loves it SO much.
I was afraid we’d have problems in her new “all by myself” class but I had not even remotely anticipated what the problem would really turn out to be. Addy’s class is really small, just a few other kids. One kid sure seems to love it there, but she’s a “runner”. She can not sit and wait her turn (like most 2 year olds, I’d imagine) and this class is quite a serious class. It’s still a lot of fun but it isn’t “open gym” at all, the kids are required to sit nicely and orderly and wait their turns. She requires a “handler” to specifically keep her sitting nicely (Or not so nicely). She’s distracting and also a bit of a bad influence on my otherwise pretty rule-following girl. She’s not the problem. Honestly she reminds me of my boys at that age and it is why I never enrolled them in such things. They just were not ready. In fact she was not even present today and its possible her poor parents wizened up that their handful was just not ready for an independent class yet.
The problem is the Cryer. Oh my gawd, people, crying is not an accurate term for what this child does. Gutteral animalistic hysteria is closer to accurate. This child cries from the moment she walks into the gym until the moment she is finally “released” back into her parents’ care. When I called Tony to see how Addy was doing at her very first class he mentioned this hysterical child. I assumed she would drop out - there is always a high drop-out rate after the initial class. You know what they say about assumptions….
So let me paint a picture for you. The class is 45 minutes long. The child, who is TWO YEARS OLD, has to be carried in by a coach and carried around between equipment because she will absolutely not move at all of her own free will, all the while screaming like they are preforming surgery on her without anesthesia. In ALL my years of parenting I have NEVER heard a noise like this before and I had a colicky baby and my kids are no strangers to injuries! In other words I’ve heard crying. This was not crying. This was hysteria. For the first two classes the child did not stop crying once. Not even a little. She did fluctuate between loud cries and hysterical cries. After watching her for the second 45-minute class I felt literally sick to my stomach. When the mother cavalierly poked her head in front of the window and with a little brush of the hand announced “Oh she’s STILL *yelling*?” I had to say something. I just briefly asked if she was planning on pulling her daughter from the class. She said that she had been advised to keep bringing her by the staff so she would get used to it so she wasn’t sure what to do. She let me know that her older daughter was on *team* there at the gym and they had practice (practice for WHAT?!?!? how to give your child PTSD and turn them into a sociopath?) at the same time. How this is relevant I have no idea. That was my first indicator that this wasn’t just your ordinary Mom. This was a Stage Mom.
Today The Cryer was back and as terrified as usual. This time she came armed with the hugest yellow security blanket I’ve ever seen which she wrapped around herself and buried her terrified sobbing face into periodically throughout the class. This seemed to do the trick and she only cried about 75% of the class and spent the other 25% sucking her thumb and heaving before she’d start crying again. I do believe this is the “progress” that the Mom was looking for! Let me just mention that at this point this child has literally not TOUCHED any equipment in the gym during any one of her classes, she has not even supported her own body weight (ie stood up or walked anywhere of her own volition) or done anything besides sit in a terrified heap and cry. For 45 straight minutes. Every week.
Aside from the fact that I had a visceral response to such torture and literally can not stomach to watch it every week, I also started to worry about Addy. As I’ve mentioned before, she came to us without any sort of emotion at all outside happiness. It took us well over a year of intense parenting to get her to emote at all and we are only now finally at a place I consider to be healthy and “normal” for her age. I have serious SERIOUS concerns about putting her in a room…no, not just a room but literally right next to….another 2 year old who is so hysterical without ANY adult capable of consoling her. I do not like that she has to desensitize to the hysteria and is expected to sit still next to this kid. She’s done pretty well although she has covered her ears a few times and she has even shown two random occurrences of concern toward this little girl. But overall she tunes her out and that is not something I am interested in *encouraging* in her right after she finally learned to tune *into* emotions. I realize that’s probably not the case for the other kids in the gym but it is relevant to our situation.
Today I just couldn’t stand it anymore.
I confronted her to ask if she was going to pull her child because if she wasn’t then we were going to have to switch classes which was fine, I just needed to know either way. She said “Well you’d better switch her class then”. The way she said it was so weird that I just flipped.
I told her that her daughter’s hysteria was abusive and made me literally sick to my stomach. I asked her if she was trying to push her to be a “super star” like her older child or what her motivation was since “FUN” was clearly not it. She just kept saying that the staff told her to, the staff told her to. They reassured her this is the right thing to do and that she’s going to stick it out because the staff told her to. I had specifically been told otherwise so it was interesting that this was what she told me (and herself) in order to validate her choice. At one point I asked how SHE felt as a MOTHER regardless of what she claims the staff said becuase how ANY mother could sit and listen to their child’s terrified hysterics for 45 straight minutes without intervening and then opt to repeat it for week after week is beyond me. Instead of answering me she said “Isn’t your daughter the one who runs around the entire class out of control?” And then she reminded me that she pays the same rate that I do for the class and has every right to have her child in there as I do. Ok. I left it at that and just told her that she obviously needed to do what felt right to her for her daughter, as did I, and that I would be switching classes so my own child did not have to bear witness to this abuse in the future.
Maybe I should have just quietly switched classes and gone about my business. But honestly I was still a little reeling from listening to this poor child LAST week and seeing her back again just totally set me off. I swear I don’t go up to random strangers at the grocery story and ream them for not picking up their crying baby and there were kids who did not want to be in her parent-toddler gymnastics class but those situations never bothered me either becuase the parent was THERE and honestly MOST parents do end up pulling their children out of the class when it is obvious that the child isn’t ready. Generally I am very very NON-confrontational. But I had had enough. I had to say something to this crazy Stage Mom. I’m not sure what I hoped to accomplish, to be honest. Maybe just offer her daughter a voice? Maybe plant a little seed of doubt in her head that might…just might…blossom into some sensibility?
In retrospect I really wish I had been able to have a more rational less attack-y confrontation because I’d like to have asked her WHY she was pushing her daughter to hard at the age of TWO when no other gym in the entire area that I’m aware of even HAS independent gymnastics classes for children under the age of 3. I would really like to know. Did she do this with her “star” athlete older child too? Did she view her child’s hysteria as a problem that should be fixed only by making her cry until she gives up and complies? Is that the goal? Is that “success”? Did she at all value the notion that early athletic and extracurricular experiences should be ENTIRELY based on FUN? Was she just too lazy to sign her up for something she was ready for (like, um, maybe a parent-toddler class?!?!) because that wouldn’t be *convenient* for her older child’s “team” practice schedule? Was this just a way to offload her 2 year old and get rid of the parental guilt for focusing all her time on her older child? I guess there’s no polite way to ask those questions anyway. But I have always just wanted to get into the head of pushy Stage Parents and understand exactly why they make the choices they make.
And now, hopefully, I’ll never have the chance. Good riddance. I’m glad Addy still considers gymnastics fun (although the fact that she could sit through that sort of situation and still consider it fun is a tiny bit concerning to me!!) and that I advocated for HER so that we can KEEP it that way.
You know for half a second I had this horrifying thought flash into my mind. What happens to children who are raised this way from essentially infancy? If Addy goes on to become competitive some day will she have to share her practices with this child? Or children like her? Don’t answer that question….I already know the answer and it scares the hell out of me.
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:12 pm
GO NICKI GO!! I am glad you said something. That story was ridiculous and had me so angry. There is just no excuse for pushing a child that young into something that the parent wants them to do. Simply ridiculous. Seriously, I am so glad you said something because most of us are too wimpy to step up to the plate and address someone doing something so blatantly wrong. I really really hope you planted a seed in that woman’s head and she reconsiders her decision to leave the poor little girl in the class.
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:16 pm
That would have really upset me too. I’m sure that mom just sees the class as 45 minutes of babysitting and it doesn’t matter to her that her child isn’t participating or even enjoying herself. sick, totally sick. I’m glad you have the option to move Addy to another class, she shouldn’t have to witness that every week!
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:20 pm
That’s insane. Totally insane. Sorry for the judgment, but that woman sounds like a less than stellar mom. She actually sounds a little nutty. What kind of a mom can sit there while her child is so clearly distressed and horrified - for GYMNASTICS, for God’s sake. This isn’t school or something required. I wouldn’t have been able to keep my mouth shut, either. That sort of thing pushes me over the edge. I think you handled it quite well. I’m willing to bet that you would have been bothered if you wouldn’t have said anything at all, so even though you didn’t ask what you later wished you would have, I think it’s good you said something. And I think it’s really great that you’re worried about Addy’s reaction/nonreaction to this child. Now that’s a good mom.
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:32 pm
Okay, echo echo echo the comments above, but also, even if the staff did tell her to leave the child in, so what? Does she really think the staff has her child’s best interest in mind and isn’t looking at their own bottom line? She needs to be the parent here, but obviously doesn’t want to.
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:08 pm
Good for you! What a horrible thing not only for that poor BABY but for the other children as well. They shouldn’t be exposed to that and think that all of the adults around them are not to be trusted. Grrrr
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:09 pm
I was so hoping your post included a ‘freak out’ on your part. Honestly I would have done the exact same thing as you. What mother can do that to her own child???? Honestly!!!???? It’s not right. I don’t for one minute believe the staff ‘told her to’. Crazy crazy. Sure try it once. Try it a second time. Then try the parental involvement class. Then GIVE UP AND TRY BALLET for crying out loud!!! Better yet, stay home with your 2yr old and learn to be a real mom!! Man that really gets my goat. GRRR.
July 3rd, 2008 at 12:38 am
Gad! And good job! I hope if I get too complacent someone will point out my faults too. I think moms get that ‘blind eye/ear’ all too often.
My husband laughs at me at the grocery store because I’m always making comments about kids shoes. I sold kids shoes for 13 years. Listen up people. If your kids shoes don’t fit- their feet aren’t happy. How are you when your feet aren’t happy? Now put that on a person that can’t communicate. Get shoes that fit- and expect to get more soon. They grow! Make a budget- do something. (OK, my shoe rant is over.)
Why would the staff/kid/mom want to go through that every class. I don’t get it.
Nicki reply on July 3rd, 2008 9:11 am:
Oh my gosh I used to have this HUGE HUGE issue with kids shoes, that is so funny. Just ask my poor husband! It used to be my number one pet peeve!!!!!!!!!! Now I live a part of the country where it always makes me happy just to see kids in stores that are WEARING shoes at all! LOLOL.
July 3rd, 2008 at 8:18 am
Good for you!! I’m glad you said something, too often people are too afraid to stand up for what is right, and today you weren’t one of them! I’m glad you expressed what was clearly obvious to everyone else, perhaps she will go home and think about it and realize she is screwing her child up.
Honestly I don’t think she cares about the gymnastics with her younger child, I think she just wanted a babysitter while her older child is in class.
July 3rd, 2008 at 8:41 am
You go Nicki. Good for you, that took alot of guts to be able to confront that Mother. Does she really believe that this is going to make that child like gymnastics. She is going to grow up HATING it. Anytime you force a child to do something, it back fires on you. That poor baby, how could any mother stand to watch her child cry like that. Especially for something that is not necessary. It hurt like hell just to read your description of the event, can’t even imagine having to witness it in person.
Now, I have made my older daughters finish dances classes, etc. But they don’t cry through them and seem to have fun while there. But we don’t sign up for the next session if they really don’t want to do it again. These things are suppose to be FUN, not something to dread.
July 3rd, 2008 at 9:37 am
Yeah, ditto what everyone else said! It’d be different if the kid cried for the first few minutes and then got into the class, then I’d say keep trying, but what you’re describing is totally ridiculous. Clearly she doesn’t have the child’s best interests at heart. The thought of the whole thing steams me so much I can’t even comment properly! So glad you said something - you had to, for your peace of mind, for Addy’s best interests and of course that of the poor child involved. Maybe, just maybe, you’ve given her a little something to think about to open her eyes. Sounds like she’s beyond able to wisen up, but it’s worth a try.
July 3rd, 2008 at 9:46 am
Mortifying. Not surprising, though. Having three sports-minded daughters, I always seem to find at least one parent screaming/cussing from the sidelines, yelling at coaches and refs, or issuing loud ‘guidance’ to their kids after every play. The most disturbing behaviors are always from the parents of kids who clearly don’t want to be there. All through elementary school, my daughter played v-ball with a girl who was so terrified of the ball and the crowd attention that she’d stand stock-still and let the ball hit her in the head. Everyone could see how humiliated she was, but mom insisted that her daughter need to ‘come out of her shell.’ She never did. Luckily for her, the girls are at an age where try-outs are required and she’s able to get herself cut early on. I cannot understand a parent who would torture their child ‘for their own good’ for years and years. It may not be as obvious as physical abuse, but it’s so obviously just as damaging.
So, what I mean to say is :), good for you, Nicky. Kids need an advocate when their parents don’t have the sense to be that for them.
July 3rd, 2008 at 9:48 am
No, what I REALLY mean to say is :), good for you, NICKI.
July 3rd, 2008 at 10:11 am
OMG. I cannot even fathom watching my child cry for 45 minutes and shrugging it off. It makes my heart hurt just thinking about it. I swear some parents have no idea what it means to parent. So, good for you for calling her on it. I really do hope you planted a little doubt in her mind.
July 3rd, 2008 at 11:15 am
After the mom told you the gym teacher wanted to handle things this way when you confronted her, why didn’t you speak to the teacher alone afterwards and express your concerns over their policies?
I certainly would not send my daughter to anything she cried through at any age let alone 2 but the mom (not parenting on your or my wave length, probably a very bad parent though nothing social services would be interested in) was being reinforced by the gym instructor who did this for a living and probably has taught thousands of children over the years.
Nicki reply on July 3rd, 2008 11:53 am:
We talked to the staff and expressed our concern after the second class and before, during and after the third class. They are well aware that we switched classes due to this issue. Their explanation was that their hands are tied - that as long as a parent wants their child to be part of the program that they can not turn them away or ask them to leave.
July 3rd, 2008 at 7:20 pm
I can’t believe that the gym staff doesn’t understand that a screaming child is disruptive to the learning of their other students. I would think that they would want the best learning environment for the other kids in the class. However, if I understand from the above comments, the instructors probably don’t want to rock the boat with this family because they may lose the older child as well.
Good for you on speaking to the mom. I bet other parents wanted to say something, but didn’t have the guts.
July 5th, 2008 at 5:55 am
Nicki, I think it’s great that you said something, though sad that the other mother would then turn on YOU instead of apologizing for the disruption or showing any remorse for her decisions.
Still, I also question the behavior of the gym staff. I don’t buy it that they cannot turn away a child — it’s their gym, I think they can say to a mother that her daughter just isn’t suited for the class and is ruining it for other kids. Did you sign some type of contract when you signed up for classes that they HAD to take your child? The gym has as much of an obligation to all the other parents as they do to that one.
They also have a moral obligation to not let a child suffer like that. And, if their goal is to help kids enjoy gymnastics, then they are clearly failing. I would speak again not just to the staff but to the owners. I know that ultimately the mother is more responsible but I would be a little suspect of a place that allowed the parents this type of control over the class.
I think it’s great that she loves the gymnastics, but did you ever see that documentary about how hard they push kids at some gyms? Maybe this gym has psycho coaches at the older level. I know it’s not my place to judge the choice and I haven’t even been to the place, but I would seriously take a hard look at what they are doing.
July 10th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Ack, what a torture session for that poor child! Good for you Nicki, maybe psycho mom will have a moment of clarity. As far as their hands being tied, that’s total BS IMO. They can absolutely limit the class to *willing* participants. Sounds like they just want the $$