Let me tell you right off the bat that I am not an attachment expert; I am not an adoption expert. What I am is an expert on MY kids. Because I, like so many before and after me, intended on adopting a baby AYAP (as young as possible for those who don’t know the ‘lingo’), I hadn’t done more than some very basic skimming of the toddler attachment in adoption books. Also I was already a practicing attachment parent so I figured what more did I need to know? Basically what I’m saying is that my kid has taught me a lot but I have no idea how what I’m saying here compares or reflects what is advised or expressed in The Books. So take it for what it’s worth.

Attachment does not have a finish line but rather is an endless journey that ebbs and flows.

I’ve been having a really hard time writing these posts lately. I’ve tried and probably written 5000 words on the topic but none of them have properly encapsulated my experiences. Today I was meditating on the issue of attachment, looking for the missing piece of the puzzle I needed to properly express my thoughts when the above thought entered my mind.

So often you hear internationally adopting parents proclaim, before their feet even hit US soil, that “attachment is great” or “we are well bonded already”. If parents are being very aware, however, and very honest with themselves they will admit that attachment this early on is just not possible. Some children will cling to their adoptive parents in an attempt to make a safe connection with ANYONE but this shouldn’t be confused with true attachment which is a journey, not something with an end point. If you ever say or think “We are done! We are attached!” you need to look closer. Attachment, as a process, will ebb and flow even with biological children. Think about the natural DEtachment that happens during the teen years. Think about your own relationship with your parents – it probably doesn’t look quite the same as it looked when you were 2 (at least I hope not!). Attachment is a journey and how it looks today may not be how it looks next year. I think if you open yourself up to the journey through attachment (instead of to attachment), you are more likely to be aware of weaknesses, strengths and changes and more willing to bend to them or accept them, when appropriate. Or at least I would have been.

It took me a full 16 months to get to the level of attachment I current possess with Addison. She was 6 months old when we met her. She was a searcher which made us feel immediately loved and made her feel, on the very most fundamental survival level, safe and secure. She was easy to know and it, combined with my own instincts, made it easy to know what she really needed and how her personality was really meant to manifest itself. It is only recently, after 16 months of patiently waiting and trying different things, that I have finally seen these needs manifest.

If you had asked me when we left Vietnam if I felt that Addison was attached to us, I think I would have said yes. She wasn’t grieving; she was sleeping, eating and happy. She was even nursing, she let us hold her and she laughed for us and played with us and looked in our eyes. But the thing is she never grieved. She played with anyone. She was a searcher, she looked into anyone’s eyes. She let us meet her needs and so long as she was surviving, she was happy. She had no coping mechanisms to deal with grief, pain, sadness, hunger, exhaustion, illness, etc. So she was either quiet and reserved or happy. To us this felt like attachment but it wasn’t. I mentioned before that it took a long time for her to learn to express negative emotions at all. All of that was part of the on-going attachment process.

Through her first year it was just not 100% there. She was still more or less indiscriminate about her affection. She wasn’t likely to climb into my lap and never asked me to pick her up. She was resistant to me soothing her to sleep; she was resistant to sharing her sleep space with anyone. She even called other people Mom. Of course she was still happy as a lark. But I knew – I just knew – that this wasn’t really her. There was still healing and growth that had to happen.

And sometime in the last 2-3 months it finally just clicked and true attachment really started to happen. Suddenly she needed me in ways that went well beyond survival. She needed me to sooth her tears away (tears!), kiss her owies, and hold her just because. She asks me to pick her up and hold her or carry her. She now needs to feel not just safe but important to me. She developed comfort rituals that involved direct skin contact with her Daddy or I. She stopped calling me Mommy and Mom and started calling me Mama again. She no longer runs to others indiscriminately but sticks close to me and interacted from a more healthy distance. She turns our face to look into her eyes and tells us she loves us, spontaneously. I wish I could say what finally worked, what changed. I have lots of theories but no real answers.

And lest you think this sounds a whole lot like insecurity and regression, let’s talk about that for a minute. Regression is a natural and normal part of the early part of the attachment journey. Regression is also not something Addison was interested in. There were some points we were unbending to – we fed her every single bottle she ever took, we carried her when possible, we rocked her to sleep almost every nap and bedtime. But if you’ve followed my blog for awhile you will know that Addison is naturally driven, extroverted and independent. Regardless of those personality traits, I have always intuitively felt that she was not ready for the big independent steps she wanted to take, that she still had work to be done as a baby that she had not yet done. Now I am finally seeing the manifestation of that. She is still outgoing, she is still very friendly and loves to play with other kids, she still goes off and plays by herself at home. She is not clingy, she is not insecurely needy. She is just….healthy.

I know that the work has just begun, though. To say “we are attached” would be to dismiss the great ebb and flow of human relationships. I can say we are more attached than we had ever been before, for sure. I can say that for the first time in 18 months I can see my daughter’s true potential, her true capacity for love and affection and it is pretty awesome to see after KNOWING it was there for so long and just not being able to coax it out.

I also don’t believe Addison’s attachment is unusual or that she ever had an “attachment problem”. I think that for adoptive parents to believe that a child who has lost not only their first mother whose womb they knew, whose heartbeat they were in sync with, whose sounds and smells were their world for 9 whole months (or more) but then to lose yet another familiar environment most often with loving nannies whose sounds and sights are familiar, smells that are familiar without serious effect regardless of the temperament of the baby is extremely naive. The human spirit is amazing and has the capacity to rebound from these losses but not without much time, much work and much love.

At 24 months old Addison’s spirit has rebounded and now we continue on this attachment journey together.

A: One bite at a time.

The night after my birthmom dream, I had another odd dream. This one spoke to me with a sort of premonition in the form of the above question and answer. Very odd, no? Almost laughably odd. I talked to my husband about its meaning and we pondered whether it might be related to what is going on in adoptions, my own personal goals that always seem to overwhelm me, etc. I got my answer only a few hours later when my husband called to tell me he lost his job.

If you know me, you probably are very worried about me right about now but let me reassure you that I’m doing just fine. Excellent, in fact. I took this news in, sat on it, thought about it, processed it and moved on.  Almost like an adult! I just took it in, one bite at a time. And then I did the most amazing thing: I looked at the bright side.  The bright side was so bright it was almost blindingly bright. I have to strain to see the not-bright-side (the dark side?). How did this happen?

I woke up the next morning, bright and early, got my dog and left for a walk. I listened to the birds sing, the frogs croak and the lizards scurry through the brush. I walked with my eyes closed, letting my dog guide me. I soaked in the sun on my face, felt the breeze blow my hair. I filled my lungs all the way full with air and realized how infrequently that happens. It was the most exhilirating walk of my life (and incidentally the first bit of exercise I’ve voluntarily embarked on that did not involve shopping in several years!). It was positively meditative. This morning I did the same. It was much warmer, my out-of-shape muscles actually ached a bit, but equally as exhilirating.  Without even meaning to, exercise and meditation - the top two goals on my own personal goals list - checked off. No pain, no sacrifice, no frustration or resentment. Just pure bliss.

I have a suddenly renewed sense of hope about adoptions in Vietnam. I am dedicated to working on a DNA banking project that I will hopefully have more information to share shortly. I am dedicated to actively working with my government officials in whatever capacity they will have me  - whether it is just letting writing campaigns or more - toward building a better, stronger and more ethical MOU with Vietnam. While maybe bridge-building is not quite happening yet, I feel like there is still evidence of forward movement and this gives me hope for the future of the legitimate orphans in Vietnam. I am tackling these issues systematically and in an organized and methodical way: one bite at a time. And just like that, things seem hopeful again.

Can I blame this all on a dream? Yeah, pretty much. I can’t really explain it any other way. I’ve had normal nights of sleep ever since. And I really know now that if my dreams talk, I’d better listen.  And also that I don’t need to try too hard to read into them or analyze them: their meaning, if they are meant to mean something (as opposed to my normal dreams that are just dreams) will be abundantly clear.

Remember always that you are just a visitor here, a traveler passing through. your stay is but short and the moment of your departure unknown.

None can live without toil and a craft that provides your needs is a blessing indeed. But if you toil without rest, fatigue and wearness will overtake you, and you will denied the joy that comes from labour’s end.

Speak quietly and kindly and be not forward with either opinions or advice. If you talk much, this will make you deaf to what others say, and you should know that there are few so wise that they cannot learn from others.

Be near when help is needed, but far when praise and thanks are being offered.

Take small account of might, wealth and fame, for they soon pass and are forgotten. Instead, nurture love within you and and strive to be a friend to all. Truly, compassion is a balm for many wounds.

Treasure silence when you find it, and while being mindful of your duties, set time aside, to be alone with yourself.

Cast off pretense and self-deception and see yourself as you really are.

Despite all appearances, no one is really evil. They are led astray by ignorance. If you ponder this truth always you will offer more light, rather then blame and condemnation.

You, no less than all beings have Buddha Nature within. Your essential Mind is pure. Therefore, when defilements cause you to stumble and fall, let not remose nor dark foreboding cast you down. Be of good cheer and with this understanding, summon strength and walk on.

Faith is like a lamp and wisdom makes the flame burn bright. Carry this lamp always and in good time the darkness will yield and you will abide in the Light.

Dhammavadaka

I seriously considered not posting this because it is really private and also it may just make me look totally unstable and lunatic fringe. I’m going to do it anyway, so judge if you must.

I’m a prolific dreamer but I’ve never in my life had a dream that reflects my thoughts, fears (except extremely abstract), life issues, etc. There is no daily relevancy to my dreams is what I’m trying to say. So while this dream may not be at all weird or out of the ordinary for anyone else, while other people frequently have dreams that are relevant to their current concerns or stresses, this particular dream was VERY weird for me.

Last night, all night, I dreamt of Addison’s first mother. She visited me in my dreams like some people get visits from God or dead relatives. It was esoteric enough that I know it was not a premonition. The dream was present day. But I literally felt like Addison’s first mother gripped hold of me and would not let me go for 8 hours straight. I’m not even sure she was done but I forced myself to get out of bed and face the day even though I felt exhausted and like I hadn’t slept at all. I woke up MANY times, tried to clear my head, went back to sleep and the she returned (another thing that has never happened, even when I wish it would!!). Every detail of the dream is so vivid that it may as well have really occurred. This, too, is unusual for me. Sometimes I remember one small portion of a dream very very vividly but never 8 full hours of dream sequence.

So this is going to sound really really lame but what she came to tell me was that Addison’s real birthday is April 15. In my dream I felt considerably surprised. I looked down at her and tried to wrap my head around the fact that she is only 13 days older than her given birthday and not weeks or months more as I had really felt in my heart of hearts. Then I felt guilty for having doubted her abilities or her gifts. And then I felt relieved, for her more than myself, that I finally knew. She told me that Addison had an older sister, also adopted out. Whether it was something she said or just my impression, I came away believing that her sister was significantly older - maybe 10 years old. She told me that she had been misled about the adoption but not in any of the ways I always feared. She said that she had agreed to give her child up for adoption because she could not care for her but only with the agreement (in writing) that the baby would be adopted out within 6 weeks. She was angry and sad to learn that it took 6 months for Addison to come into our lives. She had not realized that international adoption would be involved. There was more - huge time lapses where we sat in silence, where she went off to lay in the hammock and think about what she had learned from me and what the reality of the situation was, so many tears between us that I woke up with a headache. In my dream I felt almost desperate to hold onto her and keep her in our lives, like if I blinked she might disappear and I might have lost my chance to ask her everything I had always wanted to ask her and for her to ask everything she had always wanted to ask and for her to really be present in Addison’s life, even for a moment. I was terrified that this might be it and I might screw it up and forget to ask the important things.

Ok so there you have it. I woke up, went about our day celebrating Addison’s birthday as planned. But I just could not shake this dream, but not in the usual way dreams tend to disturb me. I couldn’t shake it only because it really felt very much like I had been contacted and it freaked me out. I know, crazy right? I don’t believe in that stuff, really. I am, in general, EXTREMELY skeptical of paranormal or psychic *anything*. And remember, I’m an atheist. So people or entities coming to visit me or bring me messages in my sleep is something I consider crazy talk. But I’m telling you, this was not a normal dream. This was not a reflection of stuff on my mind (because I ALWAYS have stuff on my mind, in case you couldn’t tell, and this in particular has been on my mind for 2 years straight and yet this - the day Addison’s mother left her at her orphanage - is the day I had this bizarre 8 hour long endless couldn’t shake it dream.

So maybe a dream. Maybe not just a dream.