I seriously considered not posting this because it is really private and also it may just make me look totally unstable and lunatic fringe. I’m going to do it anyway, so judge if you must.

I’m a prolific dreamer but I’ve never in my life had a dream that reflects my thoughts, fears (except extremely abstract), life issues, etc. There is no daily relevancy to my dreams is what I’m trying to say. So while this dream may not be at all weird or out of the ordinary for anyone else, while other people frequently have dreams that are relevant to their current concerns or stresses, this particular dream was VERY weird for me.

Last night, all night, I dreamt of Addison’s first mother. She visited me in my dreams like some people get visits from God or dead relatives. It was esoteric enough that I know it was not a premonition. The dream was present day. But I literally felt like Addison’s first mother gripped hold of me and would not let me go for 8 hours straight. I’m not even sure she was done but I forced myself to get out of bed and face the day even though I felt exhausted and like I hadn’t slept at all. I woke up MANY times, tried to clear my head, went back to sleep and the she returned (another thing that has never happened, even when I wish it would!!). Every detail of the dream is so vivid that it may as well have really occurred. This, too, is unusual for me. Sometimes I remember one small portion of a dream very very vividly but never 8 full hours of dream sequence.

So this is going to sound really really lame but what she came to tell me was that Addison’s real birthday is April 15. In my dream I felt considerably surprised. I looked down at her and tried to wrap my head around the fact that she is only 13 days older than her given birthday and not weeks or months more as I had really felt in my heart of hearts. Then I felt guilty for having doubted her abilities or her gifts. And then I felt relieved, for her more than myself, that I finally knew. She told me that Addison had an older sister, also adopted out. Whether it was something she said or just my impression, I came away believing that her sister was significantly older - maybe 10 years old. She told me that she had been misled about the adoption but not in any of the ways I always feared. She said that she had agreed to give her child up for adoption because she could not care for her but only with the agreement (in writing) that the baby would be adopted out within 6 weeks. She was angry and sad to learn that it took 6 months for Addison to come into our lives. She had not realized that international adoption would be involved. There was more - huge time lapses where we sat in silence, where she went off to lay in the hammock and think about what she had learned from me and what the reality of the situation was, so many tears between us that I woke up with a headache. In my dream I felt almost desperate to hold onto her and keep her in our lives, like if I blinked she might disappear and I might have lost my chance to ask her everything I had always wanted to ask her and for her to ask everything she had always wanted to ask and for her to really be present in Addison’s life, even for a moment. I was terrified that this might be it and I might screw it up and forget to ask the important things.

Ok so there you have it. I woke up, went about our day celebrating Addison’s birthday as planned. But I just could not shake this dream, but not in the usual way dreams tend to disturb me. I couldn’t shake it only because it really felt very much like I had been contacted and it freaked me out. I know, crazy right? I don’t believe in that stuff, really. I am, in general, EXTREMELY skeptical of paranormal or psychic *anything*. And remember, I’m an atheist. So people or entities coming to visit me or bring me messages in my sleep is something I consider crazy talk. But I’m telling you, this was not a normal dream. This was not a reflection of stuff on my mind (because I ALWAYS have stuff on my mind, in case you couldn’t tell, and this in particular has been on my mind for 2 years straight and yet this - the day Addison’s mother left her at her orphanage - is the day I had this bizarre 8 hour long endless couldn’t shake it dream.

So maybe a dream. Maybe not just a dream.

Happy second birthday, Miss Addison Mai Noelle Bradley.

Today we celebrate your life. We celebrate your first Mother who chose to give you life. We celebrate your past, your present and your future. We might not have all the answers, we might not be able to fill in all the blanks but there are some things we know. We know you are the most loved baby girl that has ever existed, we know that you have a gift to offer this world and we are incredibly blessed to be the vessel from which you are guided toward that gift. We know that two countries celebrate your life, your joy, your intelligence, your spirit, your beauty.

Addy-Mai, you do 2 like no other! Your spirit and joy are palpable and contagious. You have brought laughter into our home and hearts. People can’t help but smile when they see you, talk to you or watch you. You are a total character. You have sass, you have attitude, you have grace, you have humor, you have sensitivity. You have it all.

You understand that your birthday was coming, you know what this means for you: presents, cake, food! You talk about where you will eat on your birthday and get really excited with the options, you help decide how we will spend your day. You have opinions, you understand complex ideas, you are grasping the concept of time. We get to experience anticipation through your eyes!

You are a talker. You have big long sentences now, you convey everything you are thinking and feeling, you talk out your problems and discuss your opinions. How does this happen in just a matter of months? You still use a few baby signs, specifically the sign of banana, sometimes the sign for more and the signs for ice cream and bird. But now you use the signs like a flamboyant speaker, going on and on about birds while doing the sign, for instance. How is it possible that just 4 months ago you only just strung your first 2 words together?

You are a social butterfly, carefully feeling out situations but willing to giggle with a new friend very quickly. You love to play! You don’t understand when kids are mean or rough, it breaks your heart in a million peices. In your world, there is nothing but love and joy. You are accepted easily into groups because you will openly applaud and encourage other kids’ silliness and make them feel important.

You are still a total girly-girl. You love your babies and your play kitchen. Playing “house” is a full time job. You love to have your nails done. Now that you have long hair, you have developed the age-old ability to shake the hair out of your eyes or brush it aside with a flick of the wrist and you do it with drama and intent! If I brush that hair out of your eyes for you, you will intentionally replace it covering your face so you can dramatically shake it away. You like the accessories - shoes, hats, bows, jewelry, purses. You have already asked to have your ears pierced and are sure you won’t mind the pain. You like new outfits, you love to shop. How does this happen to such a tiny girl?

But no, you aren’t a delicate flower. You are one physical kid. You jump everywhere if you aren’t running at full force. You climb, you explore, you get dirty, you fall and rub your knees and run off again. You will try anything at least once. But you are wiser now and have discovered your limits and so you are careful, steady, wise in your approach to some things. The exception to this would be gymnastics where you may break your neck but it will not stop you from contorting your body in new ways, pushing yourself to the limit. You have a natural gift, you are strong, determined, focused and fearless. This scares me to no end. You challenge all of my vulnerabilities as a parent, what a gift that is! When you aren’t back-bending, front-rolling or doing the splits all over the house, you are throwing and catching balls, playing catch with your baseball and mitt, kicking balls. You also love to dance and can be very dramatic with your dance moves.

Was there ever life before Addy-Mai? Sometimes one of the kids will say just that. No one can remember how we found joy, what we smiled about and who entertained us endlessly before you came into our lives. No one can remember what we did with the ridiculous amounts of love we feel for you. We are more complete, as humans, for knowing you and loving you.

And Addison now I can really say without a doubt that your love and attachment to me are every bit as strong as mine to you. While I loved you at first sight as if you had grown in my womb and sprung forth from my own body, you took much longer to learn to trust again, to learn to rely on human love and nurturing, to learn to feel things other than joy. I remember when I first met you I thought that I would never let you cry again. Now, when you cry, I know that you know I am here, I love you, I will make it better and you can count on me. I will hold you endlessly, carry you next to my heart whenever you need me to, dry your tears, feed your soul and grow your heart. And now I can see in your eyes, hear in your voice and feel in your touch that you know this too.

Today we’ll have a quiet family day…..well, as quiet as our family could possibly be! We’ll share fresh fruit for breakfast, explore the aquarium and ride rides together, cuddle up for a nap together, tear through your gifts, play and play, eat cake and celebrate this amazing human being that is you.

*** for my real picture post of the birthday girl, check out the photoblog

I wish I knew a more poetic language than English because I don’t exaggerate when I say there are no words to properly express how heavy my heart is today. This morning some very bad news about adoptions in Vietnam hit the US Embassy website, this following a pretty accurate and disturbing article that hit the AP wire and made top news yesterday. If you are at all invested in Vietnam Adoptions (ie you are my family, you are considering adoption, you have adopted from Vietnam, etc) please please take the time to read this entire summary. It is long, I know. But almost none of it is news to me. You will have an inside view into the information I have carried in my heart for the last two years, you will understand what drives me to advocate for ethics in adoption and you will understand why I will do whatever it takes to gather the information necessary, by any means, to investigate Addison’s birth history.

So why did I respond so emotionally? I dunno. I have been personally criticized, my family has been attacked (verbally), I have come under attack, I have heard stories that would burn your ears and I have never ever felt as awful as I do today. First of all, no matter how many times you hear awful stories of corruption, it never gets easier. But mostly when it is “officialized” in history on a government website, it becomes a permanent part of my child’s story. I can’t just work for change, hope it changes and tell her that corruption was only a blip on the radar. Corruption is now responsible for bringing down the Vietnam adoption program TWICE and from all estimates, things are much much worse now than they were the last time. But it also isn’t just about my adoption. There is more, I just can’t really put my finger on it. I feel like lighting a candle and holding a vigil.

I spent the day sleeping, eating and crying. My emotions are totally uncontrollable right now. My kids ask me what’s wrong and what the hell am I supposed to tell my not-yet-2-year-old daughter? I don’t even know. There are no words to convey to my concerned friends. There are no words to convey to my husband. There is just profound sadness today. I know I share these emotions with my adoption friends who have all written their own blog entries and emails today. I know I’m not alone with this grief. But every time I read the pain of close friends who are adopting or who have adopted and now question the legitimacy of their adoptions I just fall apart all over again. So right now that means every few minutes.

On the other side of this sadness awaits action. Usually I get there really fast - like instantly. Today, not so much. But I’m shifting, I can feel it. A good night’s sleep should push me over the edge. I already feel a renewed determination to research Addison’s birth history. I feel a renewed determination to advocate for adoption reform and a new passion for humanitarian aid in Vietnam. I’ll put this sorrow to good use and for every one of you affected by this news in some way, I implore you to do the same. Don’t let this be the end of the good fight. There are literally millions of babies who need advocates.