A: One bite at a time.

The night after my birthmom dream, I had another odd dream. This one spoke to me with a sort of premonition in the form of the above question and answer. Very odd, no? Almost laughably odd. I talked to my husband about its meaning and we pondered whether it might be related to what is going on in adoptions, my own personal goals that always seem to overwhelm me, etc. I got my answer only a few hours later when my husband called to tell me he lost his job.

If you know me, you probably are very worried about me right about now but let me reassure you that I’m doing just fine. Excellent, in fact. I took this news in, sat on it, thought about it, processed it and moved on.  Almost like an adult! I just took it in, one bite at a time. And then I did the most amazing thing: I looked at the bright side.  The bright side was so bright it was almost blindingly bright. I have to strain to see the not-bright-side (the dark side?). How did this happen?

I woke up the next morning, bright and early, got my dog and left for a walk. I listened to the birds sing, the frogs croak and the lizards scurry through the brush. I walked with my eyes closed, letting my dog guide me. I soaked in the sun on my face, felt the breeze blow my hair. I filled my lungs all the way full with air and realized how infrequently that happens. It was the most exhilirating walk of my life (and incidentally the first bit of exercise I’ve voluntarily embarked on that did not involve shopping in several years!). It was positively meditative. This morning I did the same. It was much warmer, my out-of-shape muscles actually ached a bit, but equally as exhilirating.  Without even meaning to, exercise and meditation - the top two goals on my own personal goals list - checked off. No pain, no sacrifice, no frustration or resentment. Just pure bliss.

I have a suddenly renewed sense of hope about adoptions in Vietnam. I am dedicated to working on a DNA banking project that I will hopefully have more information to share shortly. I am dedicated to actively working with my government officials in whatever capacity they will have me  - whether it is just letting writing campaigns or more - toward building a better, stronger and more ethical MOU with Vietnam. While maybe bridge-building is not quite happening yet, I feel like there is still evidence of forward movement and this gives me hope for the future of the legitimate orphans in Vietnam. I am tackling these issues systematically and in an organized and methodical way: one bite at a time. And just like that, things seem hopeful again.

Can I blame this all on a dream? Yeah, pretty much. I can’t really explain it any other way. I’ve had normal nights of sleep ever since. And I really know now that if my dreams talk, I’d better listen.  And also that I don’t need to try too hard to read into them or analyze them: their meaning, if they are meant to mean something (as opposed to my normal dreams that are just dreams) will be abundantly clear.

Remember always that you are just a visitor here, a traveler passing through. your stay is but short and the moment of your departure unknown.

None can live without toil and a craft that provides your needs is a blessing indeed. But if you toil without rest, fatigue and wearness will overtake you, and you will denied the joy that comes from labour’s end.

Speak quietly and kindly and be not forward with either opinions or advice. If you talk much, this will make you deaf to what others say, and you should know that there are few so wise that they cannot learn from others.

Be near when help is needed, but far when praise and thanks are being offered.

Take small account of might, wealth and fame, for they soon pass and are forgotten. Instead, nurture love within you and and strive to be a friend to all. Truly, compassion is a balm for many wounds.

Treasure silence when you find it, and while being mindful of your duties, set time aside, to be alone with yourself.

Cast off pretense and self-deception and see yourself as you really are.

Despite all appearances, no one is really evil. They are led astray by ignorance. If you ponder this truth always you will offer more light, rather then blame and condemnation.

You, no less than all beings have Buddha Nature within. Your essential Mind is pure. Therefore, when defilements cause you to stumble and fall, let not remose nor dark foreboding cast you down. Be of good cheer and with this understanding, summon strength and walk on.

Faith is like a lamp and wisdom makes the flame burn bright. Carry this lamp always and in good time the darkness will yield and you will abide in the Light.

Dhammavadaka

I seriously considered not posting this because it is really private and also it may just make me look totally unstable and lunatic fringe. I’m going to do it anyway, so judge if you must.

I’m a prolific dreamer but I’ve never in my life had a dream that reflects my thoughts, fears (except extremely abstract), life issues, etc. There is no daily relevancy to my dreams is what I’m trying to say. So while this dream may not be at all weird or out of the ordinary for anyone else, while other people frequently have dreams that are relevant to their current concerns or stresses, this particular dream was VERY weird for me.

Last night, all night, I dreamt of Addison’s first mother. She visited me in my dreams like some people get visits from God or dead relatives. It was esoteric enough that I know it was not a premonition. The dream was present day. But I literally felt like Addison’s first mother gripped hold of me and would not let me go for 8 hours straight. I’m not even sure she was done but I forced myself to get out of bed and face the day even though I felt exhausted and like I hadn’t slept at all. I woke up MANY times, tried to clear my head, went back to sleep and the she returned (another thing that has never happened, even when I wish it would!!). Every detail of the dream is so vivid that it may as well have really occurred. This, too, is unusual for me. Sometimes I remember one small portion of a dream very very vividly but never 8 full hours of dream sequence.

So this is going to sound really really lame but what she came to tell me was that Addison’s real birthday is April 15. In my dream I felt considerably surprised. I looked down at her and tried to wrap my head around the fact that she is only 13 days older than her given birthday and not weeks or months more as I had really felt in my heart of hearts. Then I felt guilty for having doubted her abilities or her gifts. And then I felt relieved, for her more than myself, that I finally knew. She told me that Addison had an older sister, also adopted out. Whether it was something she said or just my impression, I came away believing that her sister was significantly older - maybe 10 years old. She told me that she had been misled about the adoption but not in any of the ways I always feared. She said that she had agreed to give her child up for adoption because she could not care for her but only with the agreement (in writing) that the baby would be adopted out within 6 weeks. She was angry and sad to learn that it took 6 months for Addison to come into our lives. She had not realized that international adoption would be involved. There was more - huge time lapses where we sat in silence, where she went off to lay in the hammock and think about what she had learned from me and what the reality of the situation was, so many tears between us that I woke up with a headache. In my dream I felt almost desperate to hold onto her and keep her in our lives, like if I blinked she might disappear and I might have lost my chance to ask her everything I had always wanted to ask her and for her to ask everything she had always wanted to ask and for her to really be present in Addison’s life, even for a moment. I was terrified that this might be it and I might screw it up and forget to ask the important things.

Ok so there you have it. I woke up, went about our day celebrating Addison’s birthday as planned. But I just could not shake this dream, but not in the usual way dreams tend to disturb me. I couldn’t shake it only because it really felt very much like I had been contacted and it freaked me out. I know, crazy right? I don’t believe in that stuff, really. I am, in general, EXTREMELY skeptical of paranormal or psychic *anything*. And remember, I’m an atheist. So people or entities coming to visit me or bring me messages in my sleep is something I consider crazy talk. But I’m telling you, this was not a normal dream. This was not a reflection of stuff on my mind (because I ALWAYS have stuff on my mind, in case you couldn’t tell, and this in particular has been on my mind for 2 years straight and yet this - the day Addison’s mother left her at her orphanage - is the day I had this bizarre 8 hour long endless couldn’t shake it dream.

So maybe a dream. Maybe not just a dream.

Happy second birthday, Miss Addison Mai Noelle Bradley.

Today we celebrate your life. We celebrate your first Mother who chose to give you life. We celebrate your past, your present and your future. We might not have all the answers, we might not be able to fill in all the blanks but there are some things we know. We know you are the most loved baby girl that has ever existed, we know that you have a gift to offer this world and we are incredibly blessed to be the vessel from which you are guided toward that gift. We know that two countries celebrate your life, your joy, your intelligence, your spirit, your beauty.

Addy-Mai, you do 2 like no other! Your spirit and joy are palpable and contagious. You have brought laughter into our home and hearts. People can’t help but smile when they see you, talk to you or watch you. You are a total character. You have sass, you have attitude, you have grace, you have humor, you have sensitivity. You have it all.

You understand that your birthday was coming, you know what this means for you: presents, cake, food! You talk about where you will eat on your birthday and get really excited with the options, you help decide how we will spend your day. You have opinions, you understand complex ideas, you are grasping the concept of time. We get to experience anticipation through your eyes!

You are a talker. You have big long sentences now, you convey everything you are thinking and feeling, you talk out your problems and discuss your opinions. How does this happen in just a matter of months? You still use a few baby signs, specifically the sign of banana, sometimes the sign for more and the signs for ice cream and bird. But now you use the signs like a flamboyant speaker, going on and on about birds while doing the sign, for instance. How is it possible that just 4 months ago you only just strung your first 2 words together?

You are a social butterfly, carefully feeling out situations but willing to giggle with a new friend very quickly. You love to play! You don’t understand when kids are mean or rough, it breaks your heart in a million peices. In your world, there is nothing but love and joy. You are accepted easily into groups because you will openly applaud and encourage other kids’ silliness and make them feel important.

You are still a total girly-girl. You love your babies and your play kitchen. Playing “house” is a full time job. You love to have your nails done. Now that you have long hair, you have developed the age-old ability to shake the hair out of your eyes or brush it aside with a flick of the wrist and you do it with drama and intent! If I brush that hair out of your eyes for you, you will intentionally replace it covering your face so you can dramatically shake it away. You like the accessories - shoes, hats, bows, jewelry, purses. You have already asked to have your ears pierced and are sure you won’t mind the pain. You like new outfits, you love to shop. How does this happen to such a tiny girl?

But no, you aren’t a delicate flower. You are one physical kid. You jump everywhere if you aren’t running at full force. You climb, you explore, you get dirty, you fall and rub your knees and run off again. You will try anything at least once. But you are wiser now and have discovered your limits and so you are careful, steady, wise in your approach to some things. The exception to this would be gymnastics where you may break your neck but it will not stop you from contorting your body in new ways, pushing yourself to the limit. You have a natural gift, you are strong, determined, focused and fearless. This scares me to no end. You challenge all of my vulnerabilities as a parent, what a gift that is! When you aren’t back-bending, front-rolling or doing the splits all over the house, you are throwing and catching balls, playing catch with your baseball and mitt, kicking balls. You also love to dance and can be very dramatic with your dance moves.

Was there ever life before Addy-Mai? Sometimes one of the kids will say just that. No one can remember how we found joy, what we smiled about and who entertained us endlessly before you came into our lives. No one can remember what we did with the ridiculous amounts of love we feel for you. We are more complete, as humans, for knowing you and loving you.

And Addison now I can really say without a doubt that your love and attachment to me are every bit as strong as mine to you. While I loved you at first sight as if you had grown in my womb and sprung forth from my own body, you took much longer to learn to trust again, to learn to rely on human love and nurturing, to learn to feel things other than joy. I remember when I first met you I thought that I would never let you cry again. Now, when you cry, I know that you know I am here, I love you, I will make it better and you can count on me. I will hold you endlessly, carry you next to my heart whenever you need me to, dry your tears, feed your soul and grow your heart. And now I can see in your eyes, hear in your voice and feel in your touch that you know this too.

Today we’ll have a quiet family day…..well, as quiet as our family could possibly be! We’ll share fresh fruit for breakfast, explore the aquarium and ride rides together, cuddle up for a nap together, tear through your gifts, play and play, eat cake and celebrate this amazing human being that is you.

*** for my real picture post of the birthday girl, check out the photoblog