I love to bake but I am terrible at it. TERRIBLE! I get stressed, I mess up, my recipes all flop. I’ve been working on baking the bread recipes from Adventures In Daily Living. First I tried the egg bread, which was a huge huge failure. I researched Bread Theory (yes, ma’am, there is such a thing) and tried to figure out where I went wrong. No clue. So I tried Applesauce bread tonight with different but just as terrible results.

So this is, like, IT people. No more tries. If this “fail-proof” no-knead, effortless bread recipe does not work, I’m hanging up my bread-baking apron.

So what is no-knead bread? Well the NYT printed this recipe last year when we were in Vietnam. I didn’t know about it then - I was a little busy with other things in life! But I heard about it recently and thought “THIS is the bread recipe for me. No kneading, no bread machine, no Kitchen Aid, no FAIL!”. So here I go, and ya’ll get to follow along with my photographic pictorial.

Go ahead, lay odds. I don’t mind.

7:20 PM: Dinner is done and it’s time to start tomorrow’s bread. I gather the ingredients, the bowl, etc. I throw all three ingredients into the bowl:

That would be 3 C flour, 1.5 t salt and 1/4 t yeast.

Next add 1.5 C water and stir to combine:

This is supposed to make a sludgey sticky mess. Some say it looks like a thick pancake batter. Mine looks more like my regular ole bread dough. Hrm. Already I’m afraid!

7:30 PM: Smack on some plastic wrap and set it somewhere for the next 12-18 hours. I’ll shoot for 18 hours. See ya at 1:30 PM tomorrow!

1:30 PM: Happy Friday! Time to check on our bread. It is supposed to be “dotted with bubbles”. Does this look dotted to you? Maybe not? That’s what I thought. I dunno:

I flop it out onto my floured cutting board and fold it over onto itself a few times:

Then I cover it loosely with plastic wrap and let it rest for 15 minutes. Just long enough to clean up the spilled flour on the floor, pee and update my blog

1:45 PM: Flour up thy hands, turn that dough into a ball. Plop it down onto my well-floured cotton towel (recipe says “seam side down” which means what? Where in the world is the SEAM Of a ball of dough?!?), flour the top of the ball, throw on another towel and let it rest 2 hours. You might notice my ball does not hold ball shape. Is this bad?

Resting dough:

See you at 3:45 PM for our final steps!

3:45 PM I check on the bread. It is supposed to have doubled in size and not readily spring back when poked. It doesn’t really spring back when poked, but it doesn’t look double in size.

See the finger poke indentation?

At this point I show my baking prowess by forgetting to preheat the oven. So I decide it can’t hurt to let the bread rest a bit longer while the oven heats. I throw in my big bread oven and let it get to work while I update here

Luckily my oven warms up with the quickness. I decide to cook my bread at 475. The recipe calls for 450 with an editorial note that 500 works too. I go for the middle ground.

Here’s the bread in the bread-oven (aka the big white pot). See all the lovely baked on non-stick spray from last failed bread disaster? It is there as an ugly reminder of what lies ahead:

4:10 PM The Bread is in the oven. You’ll notice my oven door is newly coated in flour. Isn’t that nice? Because I couldn’t possibly transfer the bread to the pot without coating the entire inside of the oven with flour, right?

And now she bakes for half an hour.

4:40 PM: Half hour is up! Time to peak at the bread! It looks dark, and not real big. Maybe it’s supposed to look like this? I’m suddenly regreting not baking it at 450. Still I remove the lid, per instructions, and bake another 15 minutes. We’ll see……

5:00 PM: So my here’s the final product:

As you can see, the crust is just way too thick and overcooked, I could hardly cut through it hot which means once it cools, it will be a rock. The bread, itself, seems to have an ok consistency. Hard to tell when it is piping hot. And unfortunately I don’t think I’ll EVER be able to test it because of the crust.

soooooo…..back to the drawing board!!!!! I have managed to fail to bake even the most simple of all bread recipes! Haha

Postscript: Now that the bread is cool, it is quite lovely and perfect and yummy on the inside. If anyone has any suggestions on ways to try this recipe that won’t result in the ridiculously overcooked and thick crust, let me know! Can I put it in a loaf pan instead? Turn down the heat? How much?

If you aren’t familiar with Texas, you probably aren’t familiar with HEB. I wasn’t, anyway. Except through my good friend here who spent the last 18 months before our move going on and on about how wonderful HEB was. I thought she was nuts. I hate shopping, I don’t cook, I rarely bake. Why would I find a shopping center fantastic? Also, her kid is allergic to everything so her life has been forced to revolve around food with shopping being a near-continuous activity since fresh is the only option left for their family. So ok, I cut her some slack. Grocery shopping is exciting for her. Whatever.

Now I’m here and I get it! I still don’t cook but I hope to now. I get excited about shopping. Every time I shop I discover something new and wonderful. And also the People! I love them.

So what’s so special about a grocery store?

Let’s start with the people becuase that, alone, is enough. They are super friendly. And I mean really REALLY friendly - not just southern/Texas friendly. I don’t know how they train them or find such happy-to-be-working-as-a-cart-boy employees but they found ‘em. When you walk up to checkout, if someone is not already standing there ready to help unload your groceries then someone will appear as soon as you load the conveyor belt with your first few items. Niiiiice. I hate the conveyor belt portion of the trip. Don’t know why, I just do. Meanwhile the cashiers FLY through the sales and someone else entirely is loading up the bags and throwing them in the cart. And not just willy-nilly (did I just say willy-nilly?!). But in some sort of organized fashion. And all the while they are all talking to you - how’s the weather? What do you have planned for this beautiful weekend? Oh I have a great recipe to share with you for this jam you just bought. Coming at ya from three sides - the conveyor-guy, the cashier and the bagger.

When all is said and done, they ask if you want assistance loading up your car. No tips accepted, thankyouverymuch. Did I say nice? I always say no because this level of niceness is more than this midwesterner can take without giving a tip. I feel like I’m Taking Advantage.

So out I go where invariably a cart boy will come up and start chatting up the afternoon talking about school, sports, where he’s from (because no one here is FROM Texas) and on it goes. When’s the last time a cart boy (or girl) struck up a conversation?!

Like I said, that alone is reason to want to go shopping. Need a little socialization? Lonely? Hit up the store! haha

But then there is the whole store experience. The kids beg to go shopping (really!) because there are samples (think Costco but good food!) around every corner. My kids are underfed apparently becuase they LIVE for “free examples”. Most of the samples are just there for the taking but then you have the demo area where they have whole cooking demonstrations and free recipes. And we aren’t talking about reheated Stouffers here. Today I had homemade bread dipped in kalamata olive/olive oil/pine nut spread. Heaven. I had to buy the ingredients just to keep from eating all of their. LOVE the cooking demo area. How did that even happen? Did I mention I don’t cook?

They have two other smaller cooking demo areas throughout the store.

Plus wine tasting. And exotic cheese tasting. I’m a freaking gourmet by the time I leave the store.

On top of that they have these fresh prep areas throughout the store. Want some fresh sushi? They’ll roll it for ya right there at the sushi bar. How about hot tortillas infused with butter (my current obsession) - no problem! Too gourmet for you? Your family is the PB&J type? Well wander over to the fresh nut area and grind yourself some nut butter - almond, cashew, honey roasted or organic peanuts for your choosing.

And then today I found The Bread. Back in Michigan before we moved to our old-new house, we lived near a Whole Foods that had the best fresh-baked garlic bread ever - huge cloves of garlic throughout. It has been years since I had that bread but - why yes - HEB makes such a thing fresh daily! Mmmmmm.

Last but not least - the prices. Cheap. As in cheaper than Kroger, cheap. Even the extensive line of HEB brand organics are cheap. Plus sales and coupons and a kids program where kids get a “HEB dollar” during every visit that they use in the “claw machine” to get those plastic dome balls often seen in gumball machines that are filled with points the kids can save up to buy things like pool toys or snacks. And a summer reading program. And other money saving incentives. Plus cheap gas. And drive-through pharmacy. And a huge health section to rival Whole Foods with all kinds of things I often need like essential oils and kids homeopathics. Love. LOVE!

Forget everything else I mentioned the other day - this move was worth it for the HEB alone!

Let me tell you a little story. Once upon a time we were looking for houses here in anticipation of our move and we found this great house we live in now. Tony toured the house but it was under heavy overhaul. They basically redid everything - the entire kitchen, the walls, light fixtures, carpet, the whole shebang. So we had to go by the intended end result when we made the commitment. Part of the appeal of the house was this great “double oven” we were going to get.

Well, we didn’t get it. Not only didn’t we get it but the first time I went to use the oven, I opened it up to find that it wasn’t just an oven but a mini-tiny-dorm-sized oven. Think “toaster oven” and that’s what we had. It was not big enough for a cookie sheet. Or a turkey. All I could think of is how we were across the entire country from my entire extended family and we could not even have a turkey on Thanksgiving. I’m not a big (or small or even a routine) cook, but I like to bake. And there was going to be no baking here.

We were sad but sort of settled for the fact that we’d have to move at the end of the year. No way a family of our size could live off a toaster-oven sized oven. During a tirade of all-things-that-make-me-cranky I off-handedly asked Tony to take it up with the landlord. I told him to tell the landlord that we would love to stay longer than just a year but this oven will not do. At that point we had a LONG list of complaints (nothing major - just minor things that weren’t working when we moved in like landscape lighting and the pool light, blah blahblah). So I told him to just add it on our list of complaints.

Well turns out that the landlord was totally apologetic about the oven! He ordered us a brand new, huge electric oven which involved all kinds of crazy electrical wiring because the kitchen wasn’t wired for electric ovens. He coudln’t stop telling us how sorry he was, how it was an oversight, it was all his fault.

In the end, we didn’t get our double oven. It’s just a single but it’s huge. It will cook a turkey AND a side dish And a batch of cookies. So now I feel like I’m home. Plus also I love our landlord. I’ve leased and rented many times over the years but leasing here is a whole different ballgame. We are taking care of, my friends. We barely need to lift a finger. I never want to own again (ok I didn’t want to own in the first place)!

So today’s lesson, boys and girls, is never be afraid to ask for what you want. The worst that can happen is that you will be told no and you will be in the same position you were to begin with. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.