A funny thing happened to me recently - I was thrust into my Utopia when I least expected it and wasn’t prepared for it. And it was meant to happen exactly that way because no other way would I have appreciated it and recognized it like I have.

I’ve spent most of the last 10 years with a vision of exactly what kind of life I wanted if I could design that life myself. I know it’s good to have goals and dreaming is ok too but the problem is that all this dreaming distracted me from reality and also I’m not very patient. I like to make this happen NOW. Later might never come. I was so busy dreaming about what I didn’t have that I failed to enjoy what I did have. Which was a lot. That said, I’m not sure I could have ever truly enjoyed it because all of ::that:: isn’t who I am, it isn’t what I want and it doesn’t make happiness magically appear.

The day that Tony called to tell me he lost his job was the first day of my Utopia. I hated that job - oh how I hated that job - with a passion that had a life of its own. I hated how they treated my husband from day one: if we weren’t already unemployed and desperate for ANY job, there is no way he would have taken that job. But as it were, we WERE desperate (and of course they knew that) and so it was better than nothing. It was meant to be temporary until he could find something more well-suited for our family but it turned out to be both more temporary and more long-lasting than expected. The Job will not be missed.

I could sum up the life lessons I’ve learned in the last few years with a number of cliches about how life is how we live it and not how much money we have. Those are the kinds of things that are easy to proclaim when you have no money but for a long time I felt this sort of mismatch with our life and my inner joy. I often - OFTEN - thought back on a time in life that Dalton fondly refers to as the “frozen pizza rolls” days where our total annual income was $9000. We were broker than broke for a family of 4 but damn I was happy. And I was a good Mom - a really GOOD Mom. And I was healthy in ways that I haven’t really resembled in years. Of course we tend to idealize the past, I know it wasn’t my Utopia but the point is that I have always felt a certain joy about being free from the social encumbrances that come with money. One of those biggest encumbrances, for the vast majority of people, is that your time is no longer your own. You have no freedom, no flexibility, no opportunities for illness, exhaustion or just time off to enjoy life. You are owned by those who pay you. Where is the joy in that?!

I think one of the things that instantly attracted me to Vietnam was that the people had so little but were overfull with joy. I wanted that. That is my Utopia.

Don’t get me wrong; I don’t want to live on $9000/year. There are things that ARE important to me that DO cost money: my home, our cars, my children’s extra curricular activities. But there are also things that are so important to me that I have now that I didn’t have two weeks ago: namely, my husband’s presence. I love having him here, my kids love having him here, he loves to be here. I love being able to go to the zoo at 10am on a weekday, as a family. I love being able to travel, even if it means sleeping in a tent to afford it. I love being able to get up and take a walk…..alone. Plus I am also spoiled: I love it when my husband brings me passion tea lemonades at lunchtime and tells me to go take a nap in the middle of the day and catch up on last night’s tv that I was way too exhausted to stay awake through. I love that he can sit outside and work while the kids swim in the pool and if he gets hot, he can jump in too. I love, most of all, seeing my husband working hard on things that truly matter, achieving things that he would have and could have never achieved had he been stuck in the cubicle hell and being validated for his talents instead of recriminated for them.

Tony has worked from home in the past and it was nice but not like this. I didn’t have the appreciation I do now. I took for granted almost all of the perks. Once things changed I made those sorts of deals you made with yourself, God, whomever. I said “If I ever get the chance again, I will be a better wife, a better mother, I will use the time to take better care of myself.” So that’s why the very first thing I did on the very first morning after Tony lost his job was to wake up and go out walking. I bartered for more time and I won, I was going to make good on my promise. Granted it has only been about 10 days but I think we both spend time daily reflecting and appreciating what we have gained from this loss. I feel so blessed, so privileged. And that was something I most definitely never really *felt* before.

And one final note on personal growth. I’m such a control freak, especially about money and finances. I would not ordinarily say this is a bad thing but it is not always a good thing. I think when you are so hung up with making things perfect, you lose your perspective. You lose relativity about what perfection really is. You forget that Life truly really honestly does just Go On whether you are in control and everything is perfect or not. And you can hang on for the ride and have faith and trust in those you love and in life itself or you can freak the hell out and try to make sense of it all and try to make it all fixed yesterday. You can probably guess which one of those two scenarios I resembled 10 days ago and which I really feel I am today.

Inner peace is the key: if you have inner peace, the external problems do not affect your deep sense of peace and tranquility. In that state of mind you can deal with situations with calmness and reason, while keeping your inner happiness. That is very important. Without this inner peace, no matter how comfortable your life is materially, you may still be worried, disturbed or unhappy because of circumstances.
- Dahli Lama

One of the bad habits I’m trying very hard to break is the whole “We’re broke” sob story. First of all, broke is relative and its insulting to say we are broke after having visited Vietnam and seen what little even monetarily wealthy people have. Second, we are rich in ways that aren’t reflected in our bank account and at the moment, those riches feel like Utopia. I feel like I won the lotto. I found my inner peace.

I know this is a few days late but its been a ca-ra-zay few days, to say the least. I just love this video because, omg, addy was so so excited about the singing, the candles, etc. We had to light and relight the candles several more times after this. This birthday was so special because addy was really into the presents, really felt special, really participated in every level.

I defy the trends. I am what my husband calls the opposite of the unification trend. His career involves working with, writing and speaking about and reviewing the latest techno-geeky stuff which, right now, happens to be Unified Communications. Back when his work involved mostly anti-virus stuff, I refused to use AV software (still do). My theory on anti-virus protection can be summed up like this:

Don’t be an idiot.

Harsh, I know. But I’ve never had a virus. So there ya go.

Back to unification: this trend toward making every last thing you use be accessible in one single gadget or application. Yeah, I don’t like it. I have spent years failing at technological unification:

• I tried to use Outlook to do everything: email, calendar, contact list and to-do list. I love it for email, only sort of use it for my contacts and a few important calendar items and have failed more times than I can count to use it for my task list which is, arguably, what I need it most for!
• I bought a PDA several years ago - failed to use it, failed to sync it, failed to keep it charged.
• I tried to use both Mozilla and IE for my blogreader. Failed. Good ole Bloglines is the only way to go as far as I’m concerned.
• My cell phone? I like it to be a cell phone. I like it to make calls with actual buttons that don’t require a multi-lane auto accident in order to dial while driving. I don’t need voice commands or one-touch commands. I’m not planning on writing blog posts on it. I just like to make calls. While I’m out. I sure as hell don’t need email access, internet access or MP3 access on my cell phone because those features do not help me make calls when I am out on the road.
• Bluetooth is the bane of my existence. If I am too busy to hold a phone in my hand and talk on it, I am too busy to take the call. Period. And who ever thought of bluetooth-enabled CARS?! Because it is always so convenient, when you are the parent of 4 kids, to take your calls over speakerphone while you are driving down the highway! Not.
• My home phone - aka land line - it will never be replaced with my cell phone. Why? Because my cell phone, which lives in one of two places (my car or my purse), is for when I’m AWAY from my home phone. Never the two shall mix. If you call me and leave a message on my cell, you can expect me to get back to you the next time I’m out on the road because that’s when I’ll check it.

So you get the drift. I like my stuff to be separate. Compartmentalized. I don’t really want to have access to everything all at once and I know from past experience that I just won’t use it. I’ll use one main functionality and the rest will go to hell.

So all of that rambling to say that I’ve finally done gone and made myself a photoblog. I was tired of feeling both held back and selfish for wanting to post tons of pictures on my blog and feeling the need to balance my wordy posts with my photo-heavy posts. So for purely selfish reasons, I bring you:

Stepping On Legos: Behind The Lens

It has its own separate RSS feed (compartmentalization, people!!) so if you usually come to my blog by way of an RSS feedreader, you will need to add the new RSS feed to get updates on new photo entries.

I can post a million pictures that will probably bore everyone but me and I won’t feel bad about it at all! So come on over and see Addy’s 2 Year pics that I took at the Arboretum and see a very rare glimpse at my girl in smocking! Her dress was a gift from my Aunt while we were waiting to adopt Addison. I have been waiting patiently for it to fit her and then to have the perfect opportunity to take pictures in it so I was thrilled to finally be able to get some shots this weekend.