I wish I knew a more poetic language than English because I don’t exaggerate when I say there are no words to properly express how heavy my heart is today. This morning some very bad news about adoptions in Vietnam hit the US Embassy website, this following a pretty accurate and disturbing article that hit the AP wire and made top news yesterday. If you are at all invested in Vietnam Adoptions (ie you are my family, you are considering adoption, you have adopted from Vietnam, etc) please please take the time to read this entire summary. It is long, I know. But almost none of it is news to me. You will have an inside view into the information I have carried in my heart for the last two years, you will understand what drives me to advocate for ethics in adoption and you will understand why I will do whatever it takes to gather the information necessary, by any means, to investigate Addison’s birth history.

So why did I respond so emotionally? I dunno. I have been personally criticized, my family has been attacked (verbally), I have come under attack, I have heard stories that would burn your ears and I have never ever felt as awful as I do today. First of all, no matter how many times you hear awful stories of corruption, it never gets easier. But mostly when it is “officialized” in history on a government website, it becomes a permanent part of my child’s story. I can’t just work for change, hope it changes and tell her that corruption was only a blip on the radar. Corruption is now responsible for bringing down the Vietnam adoption program TWICE and from all estimates, things are much much worse now than they were the last time. But it also isn’t just about my adoption. There is more, I just can’t really put my finger on it. I feel like lighting a candle and holding a vigil.

I spent the day sleeping, eating and crying. My emotions are totally uncontrollable right now. My kids ask me what’s wrong and what the hell am I supposed to tell my not-yet-2-year-old daughter? I don’t even know. There are no words to convey to my concerned friends. There are no words to convey to my husband. There is just profound sadness today. I know I share these emotions with my adoption friends who have all written their own blog entries and emails today. I know I’m not alone with this grief. But every time I read the pain of close friends who are adopting or who have adopted and now question the legitimacy of their adoptions I just fall apart all over again. So right now that means every few minutes.

On the other side of this sadness awaits action. Usually I get there really fast - like instantly. Today, not so much. But I’m shifting, I can feel it. A good night’s sleep should push me over the edge. I already feel a renewed determination to research Addison’s birth history. I feel a renewed determination to advocate for adoption reform and a new passion for humanitarian aid in Vietnam. I’ll put this sorrow to good use and for every one of you affected by this news in some way, I implore you to do the same. Don’t let this be the end of the good fight. There are literally millions of babies who need advocates.

I defy the trends. I am what my husband calls the opposite of the unification trend. His career involves working with, writing and speaking about and reviewing the latest techno-geeky stuff which, right now, happens to be Unified Communications. Back when his work involved mostly anti-virus stuff, I refused to use AV software (still do). My theory on anti-virus protection can be summed up like this:

Don’t be an idiot.

Harsh, I know. But I’ve never had a virus. So there ya go.

Back to unification: this trend toward making every last thing you use be accessible in one single gadget or application. Yeah, I don’t like it. I have spent years failing at technological unification:

• I tried to use Outlook to do everything: email, calendar, contact list and to-do list. I love it for email, only sort of use it for my contacts and a few important calendar items and have failed more times than I can count to use it for my task list which is, arguably, what I need it most for!
• I bought a PDA several years ago - failed to use it, failed to sync it, failed to keep it charged.
• I tried to use both Mozilla and IE for my blogreader. Failed. Good ole Bloglines is the only way to go as far as I’m concerned.
• My cell phone? I like it to be a cell phone. I like it to make calls with actual buttons that don’t require a multi-lane auto accident in order to dial while driving. I don’t need voice commands or one-touch commands. I’m not planning on writing blog posts on it. I just like to make calls. While I’m out. I sure as hell don’t need email access, internet access or MP3 access on my cell phone because those features do not help me make calls when I am out on the road.
• Bluetooth is the bane of my existence. If I am too busy to hold a phone in my hand and talk on it, I am too busy to take the call. Period. And who ever thought of bluetooth-enabled CARS?! Because it is always so convenient, when you are the parent of 4 kids, to take your calls over speakerphone while you are driving down the highway! Not.
• My home phone - aka land line - it will never be replaced with my cell phone. Why? Because my cell phone, which lives in one of two places (my car or my purse), is for when I’m AWAY from my home phone. Never the two shall mix. If you call me and leave a message on my cell, you can expect me to get back to you the next time I’m out on the road because that’s when I’ll check it.

So you get the drift. I like my stuff to be separate. Compartmentalized. I don’t really want to have access to everything all at once and I know from past experience that I just won’t use it. I’ll use one main functionality and the rest will go to hell.

So all of that rambling to say that I’ve finally done gone and made myself a photoblog. I was tired of feeling both held back and selfish for wanting to post tons of pictures on my blog and feeling the need to balance my wordy posts with my photo-heavy posts. So for purely selfish reasons, I bring you:

Stepping On Legos: Behind The Lens

It has its own separate RSS feed (compartmentalization, people!!) so if you usually come to my blog by way of an RSS feedreader, you will need to add the new RSS feed to get updates on new photo entries.

I can post a million pictures that will probably bore everyone but me and I won’t feel bad about it at all! So come on over and see Addy’s 2 Year pics that I took at the Arboretum and see a very rare glimpse at my girl in smocking! Her dress was a gift from my Aunt while we were waiting to adopt Addison. I have been waiting patiently for it to fit her and then to have the perfect opportunity to take pictures in it so I was thrilled to finally be able to get some shots this weekend.

Today I* took Dalton to get braces.

The first time we ever sat down for an ortho consult was like 5 years ago, in Michigan, when he was 8. Our dentist had already been riding us for a few years at that point! It was never even a question of if,  but, when. When he was 8, braces were the furthest thing from his mind. He did NOT want them, he had no issues with his grin. I held firm to the mindset that they were his teeth, his body and his smile - if he did not want them, I was not going to push the issue.

Then a year or two ago he started saying that he wanted them after all. His teeth were increasingly crowded and uncomfortable, they were difficult to clean and they were bothering him. It was time. And then Tony lost his job and we moved out of state and became broker than broke from all the, well, job loss and long distance moving and all. That was the first of the many excuses. Really there was never a good one and its been a guilt I’ve carried around like a monkey on my back for the last two years.

Last week the kids all had cleaning and our new dentist mentioned the braces again and we had already been giving lip service to finding an orthodontist here in Texas and getting the consult. But enough was enough. I finally called, made the appointment for later in the week, went in, listened to what they had to say and committed on the spot. Less than a week later, we have braces! I feel sort of guilty for not getting a second opinion but I feel like we already HAD another opinion back 5 years ago in Michigan and what I heard here was like music to my ears compared to there. Plus I really really liked the office which, if you are going to spend thousands on braces, I think it matters right?!

I had no idea that braces were a) a lot more affordable than I thought b) a lot more easy to make a payment plan with and c) a lot less painful than they used to be. I almost felt guilty about putting this off for so long but then both my dentist and orthodontist said something that immediately made me feel 1000% better.

Turns out braces are yet another thing that is done differently in the south. Either that or orthodontia theory has changed in the last 5 years. Because when we had that first consult 5 years ago we were told that we were already “too late” for *optimal* care, that Dalton might need extractions, that he should have his teeth done very very soon. Dude, he was 8.  People I know were having their 5 and 6 year olds’ in braces. The oldest kid I knew with braces was 10. And I had gone out of my way to research orthodontists and find one who was conservative in his treatment and would not try to sell me on the most expensive or unnecessary procedure! I can’t imagine what the other orthodontists were recommending at that time. But I distinctly remember sitting in my dentist’s office afterward, having him reprimand me for STILL not having braces on my kid and trying to explain to him that my own child’s opinion about his orthodontia weighed heavily on my decision and omg - you’d think I had just beaten my child with a stick. He was obviously disturbed and offended and I got a lecture on Who Is The Parent and Who Is The Child. Apparently bad parenting begins when you give your child power of the decisions regarding his own body. 

Contrast that with my consult here where the orthodontist actually waivered about doing the work “so soon” at 13 years old and only decided to go ahead because Dalton has a tooth that is not coming down due to crowding. My dentist had forewarned us that they would not do work on kids much younger than Dalton but with my only perspective being the ortho-happy North, I thought she was full of it! And the thing that finally really sold me on this orthodontist was their attitude about wanting kids to be on board with the treatment. They were totally respectful and supportive of my age-old parenting views and instead of lecturing me on my permissive parenting they actually applauded me for bringing in a child who would be far more likely to take care of his mouth and would have a far more successful experience. Very nice. And I actually asked if they would have suggested doing the work earlier and they said no way.  I guess good parenting is in the eye of the beholder.

You know, I was also really stressing about Teegan, at age 10, needing braces and feeling like his window of opportunity had come and gone and how horrible was I to have TWO kids who needed braces YEARS ago! Come to find out they don’t even want to see Teegan for several more years. *love* And that’s a good thing becuase Teegan is totally not interested in braces at this point.

But also I love this place because it is like Club Med. I have to say I wish I needed braces! Haha. The office is SO nice. It is nice on the outside - like a little cottage. It is within walking distance of my house, which is an added bonus (becuase I will almost never have to go BACK to the office with Dalton - I can just send him on his own). It is BEAUTIFUL inside. They use state of the art technology which is sadly ridiculously important to me - the kids check in for appointments via computer, xrays and pictures are all printed out digitally within seconds of the consultation, I get email reminders for appointments, etc. They have TONS Of cool contests and promotions for the kids where they can earn gift certificates to anywhere they love to shop by taking good care of their teeth, showing up on time, etc. The staff are SUPER nice. The atmosphere is SO family-friendly - there is a huge play area with more technology (a touch-screen computer with games, a flat panel tv showing kids movies, etc all inside a safari vehicle in the waiting room!!) and yet another play area with nothing but video games. It was like going to the park! Well maybe it was not exactly so fun for Dalton but when he said that they were practically done putting on the braces before he realized that they weren’t still just cleaning his teeth, I didn’t feel bad for him at all! Plus I think he looks cute in braces!

* And here is where I explain and remind that phobias are, by their very nature, irrational and illogical. It is true that I can not step foot in a dentist office, that I can not have my teeth even looked at without vomiting AND crying and without my blood pressure going through the roof (literally) and can not have my teeth cleaned without sedation, it is true that I spend all day pacing and vomiting and having panic attacks during the days my kids have cleanings (while my poor husband has to take time off work to take them) and often spend several days beforehand completely out of sorts and pissed off at the world (think PMS on steroids) in awful anticipation. It is true I frequently have PTSD flashbacks of dental trauma my kids have endured (or even almost endured) that literally drive me into hysterics provoked by nothing at all. I am sure I need therapy and then some! And yet……orthodontia doesn’t bug me a bit. Not one little tiny bit. I admit that there was one tiny second today when I saw some latex gloves that I almost threw up in my mouth but I reminded myself that latex gloves have many uses outside of dentistry and I was ok. Crazy? A little.